Infertility Woes - Emotions I never expect to experience whenever my period arrives

I have been spotting for three days. The spotting gets worse. I have a feeling my period is coming. If my period comes tomorrow, this cycle would be a 26 day cycle. Not too bad since the ideal cycle is 28. We definitely did our homework in bed. That's what Dr Tan SB refers sexual intercourse to : 做功课.

Yesterday I was hopping so much that it would be implantation bleeding and not period. I would check every now and then that the blood is still a brown tinge. I would check internet to assure myself that there is a high chance that it could be implantation bleeding. Sometimes, I would test for pregnancy and sulk even more when the test kit is negative.

Today it worsened in the evening and I could feel my body deflating, together with my hopes.

Whenever my period comes, it would be days loaded with bad emotions. After the first few days, I would be restored with hope and the whole cycle would continue.

Disappointment. 
All those nights of making love despite my husband's tired day at work have yet again, amounted to NOTHING. All those 14 days of dreams have been shattered.

Anger. 
I get angry with God because He is supposed to be the all superior who could save me easily but somehow my human brain could not comprehend why is it not happening. I get angry with my husband for his lack of support from not throwing the trash to not helping to boil my TCM. I get angry with people whom I know were not exactly angels but are living blissfully with children. I get angry with myself for whatever sins I have committed to deserve this tough journey. I get angry with myself for getting angry with other people.

Helplessness. 
Yet another month of empty nest. I had not turned up for my appointment with Prof Mahesh since I was not pregnant. I presumed they would prescribe me Clomid. I also skipped my appointment with Dr Sheila Vasoo since I was not pregnant. What should I do?

Insane Jealousy. 
I looked at family shots of friends who kept posting their babies photos on Facebook, I got so envious and slightly dislike them for showing off online. I know they are just sharing their joy but I can't help feeling down. No wonder Facebook has a function - Anti Baby Pics.

Shame
Shame is the worst emotions experienced. A woman's greatest ability is to procreate and I could not do it. I had this strange thought - those guys that I had dated in the past were so lucky not to have ended up with me. My poor husband. Sometimes this emotion would push me over the edge and I would think that it would be good if he look for another woman to start a family with. Women like me should be with guys who refused to have children. I have a guy friend who divorced his wife because she wanted to have children and he did not want to have them. He should start seeking out women like me.

These days would be filled with questions of why me? So unfair. What have I done wrong? Then I would quickly tell myself to snap out of it. I am listing all these terrible emotions down not to allow you, my dear readers, to drown in negativity, but to tell you that some of these emotions are felt by another person too. Let's try our best together to walk this journey. No one would understand except you, who is also on this unwanted journey.

There are so many people out there suffering especially young cancer patients. Unfairness is an understatement for some. When we are down, we need to focus our energies on positive actions. Stop wasting time asking why me.