Christian faith and miscarriage

I was in grief. My church friends didn't know about my third failed pregnancy. I did not tell them because I was so stressed by my carecell leader for my second pregnancy. She kept challenging my faith and insinuated that if I had enough faith, my baby would be safe.

I needed to trust in God that He would protect my child. I was very affected by what she said because I blamed myself for my lack of faith that had led to God not protecting my second pregnancy. Therefore for my third one, I decided to keep it from my carecell members. After all, after my second miscarriage, they pretended that nothing had happened. Not even a single card sent. I was really disappointed with my so called carecell members. My carecell leader only offered me church counseling when I rejected her request to lead bible study. I told her I was still getting over my loss. They must be reeling from shock that yes - God sometimes do not answer your prayers at that moment.

After my experience, I realised that we should not blame ourselves for our lack of faith during terrible trials. If you read the bible carefully, some of the sick patients in the New Testiment were healed not by their faith but by their friend's faith. 

My cell leader happened to pass me a book about this kid who went to heaven when his heart stopped for a while. In heaven, he saw a girl who looked like him and hugged him. The girl had no name. He told his mum and his mum cried because that was her miscarried child.

I cried for a long time. If my embryos really went to heaven and grew up like normal children, I missed them so much. That week, I dreamt about them playing in heaven. I cried even more. I saw how they looked like. The first one was a boy who looked exactly like my husband. The second one was also a boy who had my features. The last one was a girl who looked like my husband. They were playing happily. I told my husband about it and he also dreamt about them subsequently. I told him about the book and the nameless girl. He looked at my cartoon pajamas, and pointed to three names on it - Piggy, Piglet and Porky. I always wear cartoon pajamas whenever I had a rough day. It comforts me. From then on, he always referred them as Piggy, Piglet and Porky. 

I had lost all hope and I was in a state of despair when I chanced upon this blog on Recurrent miscarriages. 

http://recurrentearlymiscarriage.wordpress.com

The lady wrote so well. Her blog brought so much comfort to me. She had so much fighting spirit in her. She encouraged all those who are in this situation to NEVER give up. In the end, she really found the solution to her problem.

Because of that blog, I decided to search online for a specialist in Singapore who deals with repeated loss. I discovered that NUH has a pregnancy loss department. Prof Mahesh Choolani is heading it. I scheduled an appointment with him. My heart flickered with a glimmer of hope. That blog was the blog that had inspired me to start my own blog.