Land of Lemons

In my previous post, I have shared about what some advice that I have received in the past that have made me squirm with discomfort. In this post, I shall also share what were some of the heartwarming moments or things that had been said to me by friends that had touched me and made shit that has happened to me less smelly. 1. I am also on this infertile journey ...  This is the MOST comforting thing not because you are happy that others are suffering too because those who are not on this journey simply do not understand the disappointment and frustration of people who are infertile or having challenges in conceiving. So the moment you say you are also on the same boat, whatever you say sounds melodious. This is also one of the main reasons why I chose to blog and get to know new friends online. 2. I will cook a meal for you When I was having my bedrest and battling for my child's life, my friend knew that I yearn to eat healthy food so she decided to send a homecooked health...

I have all sort of advice thrown to me after my early miscarriages. I am blogging to share it so that if you also come across such advice, you will not feel as indignant as I have felt. For the advisers, it all depends what is your intention. If your intention is to simply state your opinion, then the mouth is yours and you can say all you want. If your intention is to say the truth that would hurt but you still want to say because you think she is your good friend, then by all means say the truth in your heart. If your intention is just to comfort that person and make her feel better during that precious moment, these are the 10 irritating comments that would not make her feel better. 1. The baby is the fruit of your natural intimacy... Therefore, just concentrate on your intimacy and the baby will come in due time. This is the latest irritating comment that I have heard but I needed to suppress my irritation and smiled at the person who had just commented with all sincerity. This ...

I plucked up whatever courage and strength I had left to call NUH. I explained my situation to the nurse on the other line. She informed me that Prof Mahesh Choolani only sees pregnancy losses on Thursday afternoon. It was quite easy to book an appointment.  Before I went to see Prof Mahesh, I researched online and had a rough idea what the investigation for repeated losses was about. When we arrived at NUH Women's clinic Emerald, the receptionist told us to wait outside his consultation room. There were many Indians and Caucasians waiting outside. We were the minority race. We waited for an hour and finally for to meet Prof Mahesh for the first time. He looked very kind and fatherly. I guessed he had handled pregnancy losses cases many times because he looked so sorry when he introduced himself. He also had good bedside manners. Some doctors just know how to let you know they are sincere. He shook our hands firmly and told us to go for the full spectrum of tests. I was rel...

I finally had to return to work after a long break. I realised that my bosses had not informed my colleagues that my pregnancy had failed because initially I had told them to keep my pregnancy to themselves. I discovered the boo boo when an ex colleague messaged me to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I told her it was gone and she told me the staff probably didn't know. That night before I returned to work, I wrote an email to all staff explaining my situation and also to ask for any solutions if they had heard of cases like mine. I had to come up with a purpose for emailing them.  The next day, only one colleague who had not checked mail, congratulated me. I explained to her and I felt so sorry for her for looking so sorry.  Some colleagues were very nice. They shared with me stories and also recommended some TCM physicians. One colleague even bought a double boiled pot for me and left it on my table. I was pleasantly surprised and touched because my colleagues tr...

I was in grief. My church friends didn't know about my third failed pregnancy. I did not tell them because I was so stressed by my carecell leader for my second pregnancy. She kept challenging my faith and insinuated that if I had enough faith, my baby would be safe. I needed to trust in God that He would protect my child. I was very affected by what she said because I blamed myself for my lack of faith that had led to God not protecting my second pregnancy. Therefore for my third one, I decided to keep it from my carecell members. After all, after my second miscarriage, they pretended that nothing had happened. Not even a single card sent. I was really disappointed with my so called carecell members. My carecell leader only offered me church counseling when I rejected her request to lead bible study. I told her I was still getting over my loss. They must be reeling from shock that yes - God sometimes do not answer your prayers at that moment. After my experience, I realised ...

I took the Chinese medicine faithfully and continued the bed rest. My mother told me that she was so fixated on my problem that her own problem was solved. She no longer had high blood pressure. I listened to Christian songs and prayed everyday. I had fear of going to the toilet again. Whenever I peed or especially shit, there would be more blood. Sometimes I even needed to close my eyes while wiping because I would be so emotionally affected. My heart would cringe in pain literally. Physical Pain. I did not think that anyone would understand this fear unless you went through it yourself and I prayed to God that you would not go through what I was going through. Very scary place. Finally the spotting stopped. I never had a real bleed. I took the pregnancy test kit and tested. It was very negative. Actually I expected it. Because I had been testing and the colour of the line was getting fainter. I had another worry. If I had not bled, the dead embryo would be still inside me. Wo...

After the last visit to Dr Loh Seong Feei, I was put on bed rest. I moved back to stay with my mother because I needed help with lunch because my husband had to work. I took medical leave and my boss encouraged me to listen to gospel music. It was agonizing. I stayed in bed whole day while doing my work. My sister came into my room, carrying her laptop. She told me to watch Xia Xue Guide to Life. At that time, I only heard about Xia Xue but never really read her blogs. I only knew her as someone who had plastic surgery done on her nose. In between breaks, it was Xia Xue Guide to Life video that gave me a brief respite from my worries. Her straightforward view towards Life and her brand of humour lifted my spirits. I watched 137 episodes over a few days. Strangely, I felt that Xia Xue was there for me through her blogs and videos, cheering me up. I was grateful to whatever she was doing online.  My sister is a fan of Xia Xue and she shows my mum updates about Xia Xue on her Dayr...

This is such a random post. For my first pregnancy, I deleted everything that reminded me of it as I would cry when I see it. For the second pregnancy, I decided to preserve it as a memory. I only trusted Clear Blue because online reviews are positive and indeed, it is more accurate than the rest and definitely more sensitive. For example, when I  tested positive for Clear Blue, the other brands were not able to pick up my pregnancy. I also enjoyed the plus sign instead of the common double strokes. The only con was that Clear Blue was slightly more expensive than the other brands so you have to wait for promotions from Watsons. It could cost as expensive as $16 or as cheap as $10. I thought I was progressing well as the pregnancy test kit was getting darker which was a good sign right? During my first pregnancy, the line was pretty faint. The doc said that faint lines are part of symptoms that the pregnancy is not progressing well. You can see from the picture that shows t...

Dr Henry Cheng ordered some tests for me to be done at Gleneagles. Some of the tests were on antibodies, SLE, thyroid and glucose test. As I had not done a comprehensive medical check up, I asked him to include one. The results revealed that I was healthy although my cholesterol was a little high but he said that was not a big concern. Since the results were fine, he prescribed clomid, progesterone and Bokey aspirin. His instructions was for me to take 100g of Clomid on Day 6 and to start having intercourse from Day 12 to Day 19. After Day 19, I should start taking progesterone. I also had to take aspirin and folic acid everyday.  Apart from doctor hopping, I also embarked on a research about causes of miscarriage religiously. As my test results yielded nothing, I was so desperate for an answer. My intention was to find solutions to prevent it. Gynaes tend to be silent on this topic and seldom offer much personal take.  After endless google search and coupled with my exper...

Once again, we waited for a long time for the blood test results. Once again, Dr LC Cheng didn't want to see me. His nurse, Catherine, wanted another nurse to tell me the results. When I told her that I needed to see the doctor for him to prescribe medication, she whispered that my beta HCG has dropped. Drop means an impending miscarriage. All the more I wanted to see the doctor. As I did not have an appointment, I needed to wait. The wait was one in despair. I could not believe my ears when I was told that the levels had dropped. I had expected the level to increase. The worst would be similar to previous time - increase but not doubled. How could it drop? I had done so much! How could the embryo not grow? At this moment, I really hated doing the beta HCG. What was the point when the doc was not even interested to see me after whatever results? It was not as if he would do something to save the failing pregnancy! I also felt sad that we had to wait for FOUR FUCKING LONG HOURS sinc...

My third draw was in 7 days time which was two weeks ago. I tried my best. During this period of waiting, I visited my regular TCM but I didn't take the herbs and tonics that she offered. She would be so disappointed if she knew the truth. Like what Sister Teo from TMC mentioned, Dr Hong TCM physician also mentioned to take it easy and going for leisure strolls would not be a problem as it would aid blood circulation. She also told me to eat nutritious food. So what did I do during these seven days? Basically, I tried to do everything right. :) Spiritually My pastor, church leaders and carecell members prayed for us. My cell leader also kept encouraging me to have faith that God would protect the child. I also read Christian books on pregnancy. One particular book "Supernatural Childbirth" was so inspiring that I started to renounce the fears and worries in me and believe that God would protect my child. I listened to faith building songs and prayed daily for protection o...

After my first early miscarriage, I thought I would not feel extremely happy over a positive test kit in future. Surprisingly, I was still excited and over the moon. I thought that this time would be the real thing as the pregnancy test lines were much more obvious than my first pregnancy. I took a few test kits and they got progressively darker so I thought I was doing well. I also thought that it was the perfect timing to be pregnant as my workload was very light at the end of the year. I thought I would be able to spend first trimester in peace. I thanked God profusely for my pregnancy and thought," There couldn't be a better time." This time round, I did not wait to see a gynae as Dr LC Cheng had advised me to see him ASAP after my positive test. I was so desperate that I rushed down to AnE on a Sunday morning just to see him. His nurse, Catherine, was the one who had suggested this idea since his clinic was closed on Sunday. He must have forgotten that he was the one...

I was so fucked up.  Although I was very early in my pregnancy, I was stunned by how much I felt for it. I felt sad for the loss. I pride myself for being an independent and strong willed woman and was surprised by the many strong emotions that I went through. I went through a series of guilt questions. As I mentioned previously, I did not really take extra care of myself as I saw too many normal pregnancies around me. In fact, none of my friends had a miscarriage for no reason. I merely took supplements from Watson in the form of folic acid. I was so convinced in my bones that it was due to my carelessness that had led to my miscarriage. Was it the durian that I ate the day before? I developed such a strong craving that I just had to have that durian. I went online to google and durians were supposed to be too heaty for women in their first trimester. Now seeing durian brings back sad memories. Was it the tea that I still drink? I am a tea addict. I heard later that I was suppos...