Land of Lemons

It has been 9 months after MTPT and around 8 months since I decided to start afresh. When u realize that all that u do is futile, u learn the meaning of surrender. Surrender doesn't mean I surrender to something terrible like depression. Surrender just means loving myself more and choosing what I like to do and eat instead of choosing what I like to do and eat simply because it will boost my fertility chances. Surrender also means acknowledging that Abba Father, Lord, Heavenly Father, Allah is truly the maker of life if He is willing. Recently, I read the Quran and started to pray addressing the maker of life as Allah. I am thankful that  He answered my prayers and performed  miracles. That being said, this post is not supposed to be a religious post but more to share how I have been.  What I am no longer ... I am no longer emotionally attached to my losses. I used to miss my unborn fertilized eggs and would tear but now I don't. I am not heartless. I am more detached and view

I received an email from a Lady A. She thanked me for sharing my thoughts online because she could identify with some of the things I have written. So... I decided to write a post after a short respite.  Currently, I am not pregnant. I am under the care of Prof Biswas. Yes, I know he is not a fertility specialist. Yes I know he is a high risk specialist but u know what, I am just ffffing tired of looking for this doctor and that. We have been told by him that he doesn't really believe in my previous medical reports so he thinks we should try naturally for 4 months. My next appointment is in Jan 2016. Ever since my awful termination, I had two beautiful cycles and after going for a root canal which stressed the hell out of me, my reproductive system decided to take a break and my cycles went haywire. 45 days and 48 days. Disgustingly long. No wonder I am not pregnant.  But I am still married. Recently, my single friends like to ask if I am happily married. Married people, do u get t

Finally, I have the inspiration to blog. I once told you that it is seldom good news when I blog because the weight in my heart is usually the driving force behind my writing. This entry is neither good nor bad, just something strange that has happened to me recently. A friend commented to me that the worries that I articulated usually came through and he said that there is a saying among his people that people like me has a salty mouth. At that moment, I thought the hokkien word "suay mouth" floated into my brains. So all along, this friend has a tendency to stop me from saying "what if...". He will say, "don't say.." So I decided to ask him what I should do. He stopped eating and pondered for a while before speaking, "Then you should say aloud ONLY positive things." I said okay and we started practising saying positive things aloud. For example, if my heart is worried that I cannot finish my work on time because of all the constraints

Mark Zuckerberg shared a short update on his Facebook regarding his struggles to have a baby. Wishing him and his wife all the best and to a smooth delivery! https://www.facebook.com/zuck?fref=ts

It has been a month since I last post. The reason was - I have been EXPOSED! Remember how I blogged about not wanting people to know my identify cos that would affect my writing? Well, recently, I caught up with a friend whom I have not met for ages. She asked me point blank, "Do you happen to be writing a blog?" because the happenings in my life mirrored the blog she has come across. I have two options. Option 1 - Lie Option 2 - Admit. I chose Option 1 in 3 seconds. 3 seconds seemed like an eternity then cos I was very reluctant to come clean but she shared so much and so freely with me about what she is going through. How can I repay her transparency with Option 1? Sigh. When we parted, I made a feeble attempt and asked her to keep it to herself the identity of the blogger of this blog. It bothered me. And I realised why. I blogged in the first place because I knew that very few Singaporeans blog about pregnancy losses. Mostly private ones. I wanted to let people ou

It all started with me reading "The Brightest Star in the Sky" by Marian Keyes. The baby spirit was in a block of apartments choosing which couple it wants to be its parents. It observes the vibrations from their heart and the love they feel for each other. Curious, I went to research on baby spirit and heart vibrations. It turned out that this stemmed from psychics' readings about soul lessons and babies choosing their parents to fulfil some life lessons. This is one way to explain a verse in the bible in which God said that He knew us before we were even formed in the wombs. After reading about heart vibrations, I felt like I was jolted awake from a long nightmare - the past few years of TTC seemed like a horrifying nightmare. I think I have finally reached my saturation point - don't think I want to try anymore. The thought of being pregnant, labour and days of taking care of a child suddenly seemed very undesirable. So why would I suddenly think this way? The

In a flash, you and I, are in May. We are approaching the halfway mark of 2015 and I could not help but wonder, 2015 once again, is not The Year. No matter how hard my heart longs for each passing year to be The Year, every year turns out to be a continuous cycle of renewal of hope. I am trying to find a new blog title because I am so sick of hoping. It means that I haven't arrived. But what, I have yet to come up with anything meaningful. I have not written for some weeks because I have not mustered up anything positive to share with you. Sometimes, I feel that I am such a drag if I continue to air my grievances online. Or maybe, I am sick of myself. Finally ... something nice to write about. I broke the cycle of falling ill, recovering and falling ill. Strangely, it happened after my pastor told me to not have high expectations on my wounded physical body. I slept better too. I also changed the cover page of my blog. After such a painful experience, I need to start afresh f

Although I tried my best to do my mini confinement through diet and tried to rest as much as I could, I still could not escape the very thing that I dread - the cycle of falling sick and recovering and falling sick within a few days when I returned to work. I was very discouraged with my cycles of sickness until my pastor told me this - "You have certain expectations on yourself. Therefore you feel discouraged. It is very natural for your body to react this way because your immune system has taken a hit. Give your body some time." Physical Health What kind of sicknesses? Initially, I felt dizzy and weak after walking for example, one round of Ikea? I also had to eat frequent meals. Otherwise, I would feel very dizzy. The situation improved after I took some iron pills prescribed by Prof Biswas but I stopped taking the pills because I had sore throat. I took some Danzen. Recovered. Shortly, I developed chills and running nose. Recovered. I developed sensitive stomach.

Before I start blogging, I want to warn you that this post is a little spooky so if you do not want to be spooked, please do not read further. . . . . . . . . . . If you have read my earlier post, my colleague's wife has suffered a second miscarriage. He was finding a chance to share with me his spooky encounter but he was afraid how I would feel but he finally plucked up his courage yesterday. His Story ... Let's call him Dan. Dan's sister-in-law got them a "fo pai" (direct translation is buddha pendant) from Thailand. They were wearing it when they entered a hair salon. There was a hairdresser who looked like a Lao Beng. He asked him if he was wearing a fo pai because he could sense it. At this junction, we still can rationalise and say that he has seen the string sticking out from the collar and could guess it could be a buddha pendant. My colleague nodded his head. Lao Being went on and asked if his wife miscarried recently when she entered the

I am blogging this to share with readers who want to know the actual procedure in greater detail. Reported to NUH Fetal Care centre and waited for Prof to arrive Battled with fear. I read about it online. I chatted with a friend. I knew there would be no excruciating pain but I was very scared. I could not even trace where the fear came from. Finally my turn. Butterflies in stomach. It was the same sonographer. I made sure I addressed her loudly,"Hello, DOCTOR!" I thought I saw a smile creep into her face. Sonographer did a scan and NT was the same but baby has grown by a day. Cystic hygroma still stuck to the neck Another nurse arrived. Both of them prepared me for the CVS like informing me that my hands have to be placed above my head and briefly the procedure.  Prof arrived with another female doctor.  Prof did a scan to locate the placenta.  The mood was like a market because the medical staff were talking and Prof was in a rush because he had quite a few CV

There is nothing much to blog about this day because the next two days would be the days that would shake my faith. We found a secluded corner to sit and waited. My name was called and a sonographer guided us into the scanning room. I mustered all my faith and wished for all these nonsense to stop. I visualised with all my might that the baby's NT was normal and the oedema was gone. Please tell us that our baby is fine. Please ... The sonographer would excel in one game - Poker. She had such a poker face when she was scanning. She was cold and clinical. We could see the monitors clearly and I was so amazed with NUH scanners. They were definitely clearer. I could see clearly that the baby had a hump like looking thing on his neck and bouncing around. I knew something was wrong but I never expect this ... Never ever ... Because we could see what the sonographer was doing, she typed 7.7mm under NT. My heart went cold. Instead of NT becoming smaller, it jumped to 7.7mm. "

I blog because the grief is overwhelming me and the random flashbacks can kill. My blog is like a confessional box, absorbing every thought that haunts me. Instead of having random flashbacks, I shall walk through that day again and confront it. Once I have let everything out, I always feel I could start afresh. I procrastinated writing this post because this was the day that drew the line between heaven and hell, dreams and nightmares, bliss and pain. I was not sure if I was ready to write this post. Tonight I knew I had to write it because I could not sleep again. After two weeks since my surgical procedure to remove the remains of my placenta, I thought I was feeling better but there I am, tears streaming down my face while I am trying to sleep and not really thinking about IT. There were times I did suspect if I was slipping into depression but I could eat well. ... ... "Oh gosh, have you read the pamphlets that Dr Fong has given us? Do you know that there are tests that c

Every Saturday marked the weekly birthday of the living bun in my womb. Today marked his 10th week birthday since the suspected date of conception - the wonderful miracle of life that has eluded our union more than five years ago.  By now, we have confidently felt that baby is a he, his, him instead of a she, hers, her since my so called supernatural encounters. It was 7.30am and I was wide awake not by the sunlight that was streaming into the master bedroom, but by the nagging thought that I should see a gynae as soon as possible. My initial calm for the past few weeks even in the face of spotting, was rocked by the news that my sis-in-law's 9 week old has no heartbeat and yet, she had not felt any spotting or cramping - no signs of baby's passing at all. I could not comprehend why a tiny bean could grow into a small wormy creature that resembles a tiny human form if you allow your imagination to take flight, but, yet, the heart has stopped beating without any hint. That mea

The most anxious period for me would be Week 4 to 6 because things usually go downhill during this period. I always spot during Week 6 and thereafter, suffered miscarriages. Based on my past experiences, I always blamed myself for being too careless (carried my dog for my first preg, too stressed during my second preg, stand too long and too much movements during my third preg). THIS TIME, WE WERE DETERMINED TO PROTECT MY BABY! The assurance in Week 4 from my TCM Physician that she could sense the pregnancy pulse was really an excellent shot of confidence for me. I limit myself to only one activity a day. Mon to Fri, if I have to work, I have already fulfilled my quota of one activity. After work, I suffered from EXTREME FATIGUE. This fatigue would follow me till around Week 12. When I knocked off, I was so tired that I did not even have the energy to bathe. I changed into my home clothes and slept for two hours. Recharged, I would bathe and eat dinner AT HOME. I also suffered from

8am OMG ... It has been three weeks plus since my MTPT. The bleeding has reduced to spotting. Yesterday night I bled so much all of a sudden that the whole pad was soaked, staining the undies, sheets, protector and mattress! When I woke up to pee, the toilet bowl was a bloody mess. I coughed and out came a huge blood clot the side of a kiwi. I felt so dizzy that I had to lie down. Now I am thinking what I should do. Should I go A&E or wait for my scheduled appointment with Prof Biswas in the afternoon? 3pm After my bloody show, I decided to observe. If I continued to bleed or have cramps, I will go to A&E. But thankfully, the bleeding subsided so I decided to wait for my appointment with Prof Biswas. I told Prof what happened and he was interested to see how my clot and pad looked like. When he knew I had taken a photo, he said,"show me show me..." After that, he told the nurse that he would have to scan me. We proceeded to another room for the scanning. Initially

Nothing special, just can't sleep and fantasying all sorts of scenarios that would take me away from my current situation. Why the fish I just can't be zen and feel contented? I am listening to Jay Chou sappy emo songs and drowning myself in his murmuring sorrowful melody. Why the fish I allow this single desire to dominate my life? After I have returned to work, I told myself I would not do that and I really managed to do it! I looked forward to work and focus on helping others. And yet after one round, I still find myself back to where I was - a place where I have to do so much self comforting to manage. Jay chou songs are bad. They transport you to the past and makes you think what would have happened if I had been with so and so and so and so... My ex was not keen on kids. That was one of the reasons why we broke off. One of only.. cos he has his own serious issues and I have my own issues. Although the pressure would be off since he is not keen, I don't think I would

I arrived at Kang De Mei around lunch time. To my surprise, it was not very crowded. We went for our lunch at Chew Ji Soya Chicken eatery. After lunch and some waiting, it was our turn! I have been having this fantasy of breaking her good news for the past one and a half years. Today, it was the day! Saturday cases were very long. I entered the room, greeted her and gingerly showed her my BBT chart. She said, "Looking at your happy face, you have good news to share with me is it?" "Yes! I just tested positive this morning!" I replied. Physician TSB looked so satisfied with herself and said, "Wow, this is natural conception, good good." She took out an old exercise book and began to calculate my due date and gave a number to my baby and said this was the number don't know how many thousand babies. She wrote some details down on her jotter book. I told her I was worried about this pregnancy because like the rest of the pregnancies, this was con

It was Saturday. The sun was shining into my bedroom and rousing me from my sleep. Ah... why did I choose a master bedroom that has morning sun? The first thing I did was not to pee but to reach for my mercury old school thermometer and took my temperature. No... I was not having a fever. I was just taking my BBT to track my ovulation. "What? How could this be? Still 37.2 degrees?" I thought to myself. Puzzled, I recalled that today should be 15 days after my ovulation. My temperature should have dropped to below 37 to welcome my impending period but it was still very high. Don't tell me I am ... Two weeks ago ... I still have not ovulated. It was already Day 20ish. Sigh. It must have been the stress over my mom's surgery and cancer treatment that has messed up my cycle. Lying on the sofa, I started to have funny fantasies. I shall spring a surprise on my husband. And which I did and we did IT. I regretted because I was afraid I would be pregnant because I had

When I found out that I had to go through a Mid Term Pregnancy Termination (MTPT) instead of a DnC, I was so down that I burst out crying in front of Prof Biswas because I thought there was no way I could be conscious and yet deliver my 13 week baby girl. After we have gotten home, I went home to ask Google for anyone who could give me an actual description of the process but I could not find any. All of the accounts are of emotions of guilt and depression. The other clinical articles are too brief. I have a close friend who unfortunately, has gone through this process, has shared with me and prepared me. So, I have decided to post an entry while the process is still fresh in my mind. ... ... As my gynae is now Prof Biswas, the MTPT would be done in NUH. We chose A1 ward because I wanted to ensure that I wanted privacy as the whole process would be carried out in the ward room. For those who want to opt for B1, they do have a special single bedded for B1 but it depends on availabilit