When 2 becomes 1

I received an email from a Lady A. She thanked me for sharing my thoughts online because she could identify with some of the things I have written. So... I decided to write a post after a short respite. 
Currently, I am not pregnant. I am under the care of Prof Biswas. Yes, I know he is not a fertility specialist. Yes I know he is a high risk specialist but u know what, I am just ffffing tired of looking for this doctor and that. We have been told by him that he doesn't really believe in my previous medical reports so he thinks we should try naturally for 4 months. My next appointment is in Jan 2016. Ever since my awful termination, I had two beautiful cycles and after going for a root canal which stressed the hell out of me, my reproductive system decided to take a break and my cycles went haywire. 45 days and 48 days. Disgustingly long. No wonder I am not pregnant. 

But I am still married.

Recently, my single friends like to ask if I am happily married. Married people, do u get this a lot from your single friends? This is a simple yet complicated question. I went into marriage with hopes as high as the twin towers in KL. For the first two years, I thought wow, marriage is not that hard after all. I am still in love and there is nothing intolerable. Oh man, then came the terrible infamous TTC journey. If u r not on the TCC journey, you will never understand so don't pretend u do. Far too many have tried to comfort me that I should not allowed the issue of childlessness cloud the good things I have. But these experiences good and bad, happened to TWO people in an Union and experiences do shape the marriage. I have never touched on the subject of marriage because I do fear that one day, just one day, he chance upon my blog and oops. 

Third year onwards, we experienced cycles of happiness, hopes, grief. Grief is not rain. Grief is like the overcast clouds before the shower. Marriage is sooooo hard. I am sooooo sorry that if happiness equates to the happy fluffy feeling in you, I was happier single. If happiness equates to maturity, I am happier married. The other G is guilt. I am guilty of messing the house, guilty of doing things to irritate my spouse, guilty of not cooking, guilty of shutting down, guilty of my irregular cycles and the G list goes on. 

To my surprise, marriage makes me feel lonely. Nobody talks to me. Everyday, the TV talks. After the TV is done talking, it is time to sleep. And for those in the mid thirties, forties, u might also find that more and more of your friends are unavailable due to their new phases in lives - new mummies esp. 

Tired... 

Going to bed...









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