Land of Lemons

It has been a month since I last post. The reason was - I have been EXPOSED! Remember how I blogged about not wanting people to know my identify cos that would affect my writing? Well, recently, I caught up with a friend whom I have not met for ages. She asked me point blank, "Do you happen to be writing a blog?" because the happenings in my life mirrored the blog she has come across. I have two options. Option 1 - Lie Option 2 - Admit. I chose Option 1 in 3 seconds. 3 seconds seemed like an eternity then cos I was very reluctant to come clean but she shared so much and so freely with me about what she is going through. How can I repay her transparency with Option 1? Sigh. When we parted, I made a feeble attempt and asked her to keep it to herself the identity of the blogger of this blog. It bothered me. And I realised why. I blogged in the first place because I knew that very few Singaporeans blog about pregnancy losses. Mostly private ones. I wanted to let people ou...

It all started with me reading "The Brightest Star in the Sky" by Marian Keyes. The baby spirit was in a block of apartments choosing which couple it wants to be its parents. It observes the vibrations from their heart and the love they feel for each other. Curious, I went to research on baby spirit and heart vibrations. It turned out that this stemmed from psychics' readings about soul lessons and babies choosing their parents to fulfil some life lessons. This is one way to explain a verse in the bible in which God said that He knew us before we were even formed in the wombs. After reading about heart vibrations, I felt like I was jolted awake from a long nightmare - the past few years of TTC seemed like a horrifying nightmare. I think I have finally reached my saturation point - don't think I want to try anymore. The thought of being pregnant, labour and days of taking care of a child suddenly seemed very undesirable. So why would I suddenly think this way? The ...

In a flash, you and I, are in May. We are approaching the halfway mark of 2015 and I could not help but wonder, 2015 once again, is not The Year. No matter how hard my heart longs for each passing year to be The Year, every year turns out to be a continuous cycle of renewal of hope. I am trying to find a new blog title because I am so sick of hoping. It means that I haven't arrived. But what, I have yet to come up with anything meaningful. I have not written for some weeks because I have not mustered up anything positive to share with you. Sometimes, I feel that I am such a drag if I continue to air my grievances online. Or maybe, I am sick of myself. Finally ... something nice to write about. I broke the cycle of falling ill, recovering and falling ill. Strangely, it happened after my pastor told me to not have high expectations on my wounded physical body. I slept better too. I also changed the cover page of my blog. After such a painful experience, I need to start afresh f...

Nothing special, just can't sleep and fantasying all sorts of scenarios that would take me away from my current situation. Why the fish I just can't be zen and feel contented? I am listening to Jay Chou sappy emo songs and drowning myself in his murmuring sorrowful melody. Why the fish I allow this single desire to dominate my life? After I have returned to work, I told myself I would not do that and I really managed to do it! I looked forward to work and focus on helping others. And yet after one round, I still find myself back to where I was - a place where I have to do so much self comforting to manage. Jay chou songs are bad. They transport you to the past and makes you think what would have happened if I had been with so and so and so and so... My ex was not keen on kids. That was one of the reasons why we broke off. One of only.. cos he has his own serious issues and I have my own issues. Although the pressure would be off since he is not keen, I don't think I would...

It is with much sadness that I am writing this post. I have not been posting for three months because I was pregnant. I have been looking forward to yesterday because I would have been 13 weeks - the end of first trimester for the very first time and I could not wait to share with you my joy. Never did I expect that my joy has once again dissipated into something that I do not even know how to describe. During my 12 week scan last week, the gynae (Dr Fong Chuan Wee recommended by Physician Tan Siew Buoy) found anomalies on the baby's neck, chest and abdomen on Monday. He referred us to Prof Biswas to do a second scanning. He whatspped Prof and managed to arrange a scan the next day. The scan showed that the baby's NT (Neck Translucency) was 7.7mm. This is a strong indicator that the baby could have abnormal chromosomes. The normal range was usually below 2.5mm. The baby's chest and abdomen also have skin oedema (abnormal collection of fluid) which is an indicator of major...

I wanted to write this post for a very long time but somehow just did not get round to it. I thought it would go well with the Christmas season. I love to fantasise but I have not done it for quite a while. It has been a while since life kept throwing some hiccups here and there. I longed for the days when the double rainbows are painting the clear blue sky with their glorious promises that finally - everything is good, at least a respite long enough before the next hurdle comes along since life has its ups and downs. Take a deep breath and imagine. It would be splendid that I find myself pregnant and when I visit the gynae, I would be able to hear him say, "Wow very strong heartbeat and congratulations you have twins!" (Should I be greedy? Nvm lah since we are fantasising) There would be no scary and heart stopping spotting or bleeding during the pregnancy at all. It would be super smooth. I would love to have some pregnancy symptoms because I feel assured that I am stil...

I need to write because I am bursting with strange green thoughts again. This has been such a green week. I met up with my three old friends to celebrate birthdays, including the one who lamented she is pregnant and she is afraid the baby would interfere with her lifestyle. All of them have kids. After asking me how my mom was, they launched immediately into pregnancy related topics and kids topics. No one bothered to talk about work anymore. No bothered to catch up on the latest updates of our school friends. No one bothered to talk about shopping. No one bothered to talk about TV shows. Because of kids, everyone has moved on except me. I tried a feeble attempt to talk about something else but it was replied with a liner and almost immediately, they went back to their usual topics. ARE THEY INSENSITIVE OR AM I A HYPERSENSITIVE NUTCASE? Them came weekend. Another school friend organised a Christmas party and invited 8 of us to her place, with family and all. 4 of them have kids; 1 pr...

Today I reported for work and it is those type of work whereby there would be long stretches of not doing anything. We are a team of three and my colleague M brought along a book, me a laptop and newspapers and N, brought nothing. Let me tell you something about N. Let's call her Nurina. She is pregnant now. Although she is three months old pregnant, she looks like she is 11 months. I am not trying to be mean because I want to give hope to those sistas out there who are very overweight, that Nurina, who looks very huge, is pregnant! I am so happy for Nurina because she had a previous miscarriage. Because of the long stretches of having nothing to do because we had no customers, we started chatting. I knew that M was not close to Nurina and I knew that Nurina just crossed her 13 week. So when M went away to get something, I took the chance to ask after Nurina. I knew she was spotting some time back so I asked her about her spotting. Guess what? She told me it was not spotting! It ...

Today I woke up and felt so down because my stupid temperature is just not rising and it is already day 20 don't know what. My heart shook in disbelief as I grappled with the fact that this cycle - I have not even ovulated, let alone, ovulated late. Frustrated, tired, ridiculed, guilty, I decided to just sleep. Part of me is reluctant to write this post because Google sent me some password to verify my address so that they can pay me - therefore, it means that people are reading what I write and they are clicking on the advertisements! When people are reading what I write, I suddenly feel a burden not to burden them. Yes, I know, that people will feel validated that they share the same frustration but part of me also do not want to a whiner all the time and write some inspiring stuff. But I still decided to be selfish and write because today, I feel so sad and I do not know why. In order not to feel so down, I have to confront my devils. I shall go through why I feel this way. ...

Okay. Let's face it. I have not been able to get pregnant since last May 2013. That means 17 months. I started seeing Dr Tan Siew Buoy in July. That means I have seen her for 15 months. Let's do the counting. First 3 months after May - Tiao body and she says do not try yet Sept and Oct - Emotionally not ready so I did not really had intercourse over an intensive period. Only on and off That leaves us with 10 months. In Nov, I was sick. 9 months left. I went overseas. I was very sick and developed asthma. I took asthma inhalers for 3 months which messed up my cycles. 6 months Because I did not take the inhalers, I was sick for 2 months although my cycles were not very far off. 4 months Out of 4 months, 2 months, I missed the golden days that she circled for intercourse because I was freaking tired and super no mood on those days. That leaves us with 2 months. Out of 2 months, I fell sick and had high fever during one month. Last month My mum contracte...

I just returned from KKH after visiting my Mom. She has been warded for 10 days for removing her uterus with the growth and her lymph nodes. It has been one hell of a journey. For the first 9 days, she was freaking out and frail and in pain while being hooked up to various tubes. She was scared and nice. Today she got better and returned to her usual antsy self, berating at my tired father and to the rest of us, very rude and unappreciative of our daily visits. I was tired, disappointed and sad. During her terrible ordeal of receiving news of her cancer, enduring the operation and subsequently ileus, she accepted Christ. How do you accept Christ? Basically, you just have to say a simple prayer. I will write a post on how to receive Christ.  How to receive Christ?  She prayed to God every time she felt fear and during her hospital stay, she prayed for God to help her out of difficult situations. We are still unsure if she need further treatment like chemotherapy. The doctor ...

Have you ever read Harry Porter? The characters always referred to the most evil wizard as "He who must not be named" because they were so frightened of him. In our modern day context, the word that no one wants to hear or say is CANCER. Today is a dark dark day. We went to KK hospital with my mum to receive her biopsy results. My sister and I were mentally prepared because it was odd for the hospital to want to see us if it is benign. True enough, the word that we do not want to say or hear was uttered by the doctor. "Auntie, yes it is cancer but do not worry. I have done this for many years. I will help you" were the first words the doctor uttered when he sat her down. After the diagnosis, a dark cloud had decided to hang over my head and everything was tinted with black. Outwardly, we appeared strong for my mum but inwardly, I wanted to curse and swear. Once again, why us? The doctor did not share much about the biopsy results. I was thinking it could be ...

When I woke up in the morning, I took my temperature and realised that it had dipped to 36.6 (look at the graph from the smart app "Fertility Friend"), I felt disappointment creeping into my otherwise, well rested body. Dipping around Day 30 always means an impending period. Yesterday night, by 10pm, my body shut down and I slumped my body on my bed. I realised that it is not the number of hours that matters but the time that you sleep. If I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8, it is not as refreshing as sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6.  I brushed my teeth and drank water. I sat down on the sofa, still thumping the disappointment down. "Hey, 36.6 is not that bad. Don't think so much," I consoled myself. I switched on the fan and the cold wind blew. I took my phone and checked Facebook as if it was my morning devotional material.  "Ah another friend is expecting and is hinting online," I whispered in my head. I didn't bother to wri...

My asthma is much better after applying what I have found online as posted. I can't sleep now because I have so many conflicting thoughts. Recently, I began to entertain strange thoughts - no not silly thoughts of suicide but really strange thoughts. What if infertility is just an act of nature? Nature knows best. If we intervene so much, are we going against nature? Is it nature's way of eliminating the weak? I remembered my colleague sharing with me that she finally managed to conceive as a result of going for TCM. Her son is already Primary 5. But alas, she and her husband just divorced. What if nature knows best? If she had not forcefully wanted to have a child at the wrong time, maybe she and her husband would still be together? I have seen couples with no kids but they still seem strong as a couple together. If we try our very best to conceive, through IVF, IUI, clomid, IVIG etc, the baby is healthy but is that the best path? At that point in time, the baby is h...

I was so fucked up.  Although I was very early in my pregnancy, I was stunned by how much I felt for it. I felt sad for the loss. I pride myself for being an independent and strong willed woman and was surprised by the many strong emotions that I went through. I went through a series of guilt questions. As I mentioned previously, I did not really take extra care of myself as I saw too many normal pregnancies around me. In fact, none of my friends had a miscarriage for no reason. I merely took supplements from Watson in the form of folic acid. I was so convinced in my bones that it was due to my carelessness that had led to my miscarriage. Was it the durian that I ate the day before? I developed such a strong craving that I just had to have that durian. I went online to google and durians were supposed to be too heaty for women in their first trimester. Now seeing durian brings back sad memories. Was it the tea that I still drink? I am a tea addict. I heard later that I was suppos...