Mid Term Pregnancy Termination - A Painful Day

It is with much sadness that I am writing this post. I have not been posting for three months because I was pregnant. I have been looking forward to yesterday because I would have been 13 weeks - the end of first trimester for the very first time and I could not wait to share with you my joy. Never did I expect that my joy has once again dissipated into something that I do not even know how to describe.

During my 12 week scan last week, the gynae (Dr Fong Chuan Wee recommended by Physician Tan Siew Buoy) found anomalies on the baby's neck, chest and abdomen on Monday. He referred us to Prof Biswas to do a second scanning. He whatspped Prof and managed to arrange a scan the next day. The scan showed that the baby's NT (Neck Translucency) was 7.7mm. This is a strong indicator that the baby could have abnormal chromosomes. The normal range was usually below 2.5mm. The baby's chest and abdomen also have skin oedema (abnormal collection of fluid) which is an indicator of major heart defects or some other defects. Baby also had a cystic hygroma on the neck (huge collection of fluid). To make matters worse, he could not find a nasal bone - another indicator that something is very wrong. I became a Google addict again although I told myself not to. I read tons of articles and took snapshots of forum chats whereby they said that it was a false scare and that baby would be normal and healthy and safe.

The very next day, Prof did CVS for me to diagnose our fears. We were supposed to receive the results from Prof on Sat. We received the results from Dr Fong over the phone because NUH has sent him the report. He spoke to my husband and was a nice guy. When I saw my husband's face, I already knew that it was bad news. He was tearing as he kept repeating, "okay".

In a way, I was glad that we received the news earlier than Sat because I turned hysterical at home - bawling my eyes out and tears washing my face constantly. Imagine if I have received the results at NUH, I would have been a complete mess. I was sobbing as Prof Biswas droned on about the results. It was worse than what we received over the phone. He said that baby was female with Trisomy 21 and with the cystic hygroma and skin odema, there are major defects. Before Sat, my husband and I have already talked about it - conversations so private and so painful that I just do not have the strength to pen them down.

In the afternoon, I would be admitted to NUH. Because I am 13 weeks, Prof said that DnC (whereby the doc removes the foetus for you) is not suitable and would be risky. I have to be induced to bring on the contractions to expel baby out from my body. My friend went through a similar procedure so I called her up and asked her about it. It sounds very frightening and painful both physically and emotionally.

3 failed early pregnancies, 1 termination - I am so not proud about it. What is wrong? I asked Prof if I could do IVF because I am so tired. He also said, "NO" (just like the rest). He said I could be pregnant so there is nothing wrong with my fertility. This incident is just a one off because we have already done our test for our DNA and we are good. At night, I jokingly told my husband that maybe in our past lives, we are Japanese soldiers who have killed babies in World War 2 ( I saw these scenes in documentaries and TV shows. Not sure if it is true) and this life, we need to return.

For those who have gone through early miscarriages like me in the past, now, I understand why some gynaes told me to chin up and be glad that my body knows how to abort naturally before it develops. Because trust me, this knife that is plunged into my heart right now is deeper than any others in the past. Because when you see the flickering heartbeat and hear the sound of galloping in the room, that joy is sublime and when the joy evaporates, the pain is a thousand more times greater than a very early miscarriage whereby you just bleed out the embryo.

I am scared. Today, I am going to go through such a traumatic process. Would I ever recover emotionally?

I am sad. Because, baby, Mummy is so sorry that most probably my abnormal egg has caused you to suffer since I ovulated on Day 26 for this pregnancy. Mummy is so sorry that we could not keep you with us on earth. Mummy is so sorry that she is so useless. You will always be our child.

Dear God, please receive her peacefully into heaven later whereby she would be an angel.












Comments

  1. asecondchance8 February 2015 at 05:19

    I typed a whole chunk of message and it's gone…sigh…

    I am deeply sadden to read this and the pain you are going through. Time will heal, slowly but it will. I disagree the part on not doing IVF. In IVF you can do chromosome testing to select genetically right embryo and thus eliminate miscarriages and other issues. They do 24 chromosome testing and only the right one can be used for transfer. The rest if chromosome abnormal will be discarded so that the wrong one will not be implant. I do some reading on this and you can try google search for it. I disagree that you can get pregnant meaning nothing is wrong, the embryo implanting is wrong which is why it lead to miscarriages. Currently singapore cannot do chromosome testing unless dr write in for you with valid reason. You can do it overseas, Bangkok or Malaysia. I know whatever I say cannot console you but I really hope you can stay strong girl. Take care.

    http://www.cityfertility.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/genetic-testing-mfs30-aes-using-array-cgh.pdf

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous8 February 2015 at 18:39

    UAP here.
    Big hugs to you. I have guessed that you were pregnant due to your lack of posts and I was hoping for the best for you and I feel so sad and sorry to know what has happened.
    It is definitely heart-breaking to have to go through all these. Please don't blame yourself, it is not your fault. Wishing you all the strength and hopes to get pass this dark period and I really hope for you that you will see light at the end of the tunnel soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown8 February 2015 at 18:42

    Yah I asked prof that we are interested in this type of ivf since four times liao, should be something abnormal going on somewhere but he checked our records and said that we are not carrying any herititary defective traits and this type of IVF is only offered to these type of patients.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. asecondchance11 February 2015 at 04:58

      You think about it when you are recovered mentally and physically. I believe chromosome test can help you. Seek a second opinion. Today I also ended my pregnancy. It came as a surprise and I didn't think I can be preg naturally. Too bad my bb has no heartbeat so Dr help me insert med to remove it. I am having cramps at home now and wondering when it will all come out. Jia you girl, time will heal and don't give up.

      Delete
    2. Unknown11 February 2015 at 17:33

      Hello Jumbo, I have this sneaky feeling that u were pregnant too because u also stopped updating your blog. U take care too... Hugs ... Because all four of my pregnancies were conceived on late ovulation, day 20 plus to day 30 plus also have, prof still seemed keen to get me on clomid to ovulate on day 14, 15 and 16. We will see what he says when I go for my review in March.

      Delete
  4. Unknown8 February 2015 at 20:18

    Hi UAP, I have just been discharged... Tired ... And no confidence liao

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8 February 2015 at 23:14

      I know no words can make you feel better. It is really heart-breaking and tiring for you. Take your time to rest and just sleep yourself away. Don't think about anything. Take care. If possible, do embark on a mini-confinement to boost your health.

      Delete
  5. Joanna9 February 2015 at 20:18

    I almost cried reading this entry. I am so so sorry to hear of this sad news. How are you doing?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Unknown9 February 2015 at 20:40

    Thank you for the thoughtful comments. I am just doing nothing at home. Physically, I am still bleeding.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous12 February 2015 at 23:50

    hi
    i came to your blog from your post in Singapore Motherhood.
    really sad to read your account and i can totally understand how you feel.

    i can say that because my wife has gone through 3 failed pregnancies. 2 MC and 1 still born - where we have to abort the baby as she will be terribly prematured.

    brutally frankly, the most difficult period comes after the D&C because when everytime we hear the bad news from our gynae, we were stunned and then our minds blank. we just went through the motions. its only after the D&C and you go home that the pain starts, nights where my wife will wake up crying, sobbing. As a man, i cannot show too much emotions, and have to be strong for her.

    we comfort each other, saying that our babies choose not to be with us, but angels in the sky. we avoid walking past playgrounds, TV programs showing babies, we intentionally change the channels, we keep a puppy, we go for religious ceremonies to pray for the lost babies....

    but we never gave up trying, for which i gave my wife utmost respect because i know she has to go through phyiscal discomfort, emotional stress and psychological strain to steel herself to get pregnant each time after a failed one.

    the fear of deja-vu is always hanging like a scythe over us although we don't say it....

    i come here today also because 14 Feb 2007 (which is 8 years ago tomorrow), was the day we lost the first child. it was like a memorial visit for me.

    i come to share this with you and hope it can serve as an encouragement because we did not stop trying and we got ourselves our first child in 2010 (we were then 34 yr old) - it was a harrowing experience too because of our history. My wife had severe bleeding after 3 mth and she stopped all work and rest in bed for the rest of the pregnancy and thankfully she delivered a baby girl.

    we were blessed with our 2nd and 3rd children in 2012, 2014 respectively.

    i am not here to gloat, not at all. i just hope you don't give up hope because it is possible

    thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown13 February 2015 at 01:10

      Dear Anonymous,

      I hope you will return to see my reply because I wanted very much to know, how did you and wifey manage to conceive your first child and subsequently second and third? Is it through some medical intervention or just take it easy? If it is too private, I hope you are able to email me. I do not know how to move on from here ...

      Delete
  8. Unknown13 February 2015 at 00:46

    Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for dropping by. I felt so comforted by your post. I admit I feel very lost now and scare of the future. I am so inspired by your perseverance that you and wifey finally walked out of this terrible mess and have three beautiful kids. This picture is so beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Harsh Kumar26 January 2022 at 22:12


    Nice post
    You can book a HSG test in Delhi through online portal easybookmylab at very reasonable price starts @ 2700/-. HSG test cost in Delhi

    ReplyDelete

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