Land of Lemons

I am blogging this to share with readers who want to know the actual procedure in greater detail. Reported to NUH Fetal Care centre and waited for Prof to arrive Battled with fear. I read about it online. I chatted with a friend. I knew there would be no excruciating pain but I was very scared. I could not even trace where the fear came from. Finally my turn. Butterflies in stomach. It was the same sonographer. I made sure I addressed her loudly,"Hello, DOCTOR!" I thought I saw a smile creep into her face. Sonographer did a scan and NT was the same but baby has grown by a day. Cystic hygroma still stuck to the neck Another nurse arrived. Both of them prepared me for the CVS like informing me that my hands have to be placed above my head and briefly the procedure.  Prof arrived with another female doctor.  Prof did a scan to locate the placenta.  The mood was like a market because the medical staff were talking and Prof was in a rush because he had quite a fe...

I blog because the grief is overwhelming me and the random flashbacks can kill. My blog is like a confessional box, absorbing every thought that haunts me. Instead of having random flashbacks, I shall walk through that day again and confront it. Once I have let everything out, I always feel I could start afresh. I procrastinated writing this post because this was the day that drew the line between heaven and hell, dreams and nightmares, bliss and pain. I was not sure if I was ready to write this post. Tonight I knew I had to write it because I could not sleep again. After two weeks since my surgical procedure to remove the remains of my placenta, I thought I was feeling better but there I am, tears streaming down my face while I am trying to sleep and not really thinking about IT. There were times I did suspect if I was slipping into depression but I could eat well. ... ... "Oh gosh, have you read the pamphlets that Dr Fong has given us? Do you know that there are tests that c...

Every Saturday marked the weekly birthday of the living bun in my womb. Today marked his 10th week birthday since the suspected date of conception - the wonderful miracle of life that has eluded our union more than five years ago.  By now, we have confidently felt that baby is a he, his, him instead of a she, hers, her since my so called supernatural encounters. It was 7.30am and I was wide awake not by the sunlight that was streaming into the master bedroom, but by the nagging thought that I should see a gynae as soon as possible. My initial calm for the past few weeks even in the face of spotting, was rocked by the news that my sis-in-law's 9 week old has no heartbeat and yet, she had not felt any spotting or cramping - no signs of baby's passing at all. I could not comprehend why a tiny bean could grow into a small wormy creature that resembles a tiny human form if you allow your imagination to take flight, but, yet, the heart has stopped beating without any hint. That mea...

The most anxious period for me would be Week 4 to 6 because things usually go downhill during this period. I always spot during Week 6 and thereafter, suffered miscarriages. Based on my past experiences, I always blamed myself for being too careless (carried my dog for my first preg, too stressed during my second preg, stand too long and too much movements during my third preg). THIS TIME, WE WERE DETERMINED TO PROTECT MY BABY! The assurance in Week 4 from my TCM Physician that she could sense the pregnancy pulse was really an excellent shot of confidence for me. I limit myself to only one activity a day. Mon to Fri, if I have to work, I have already fulfilled my quota of one activity. After work, I suffered from EXTREME FATIGUE. This fatigue would follow me till around Week 12. When I knocked off, I was so tired that I did not even have the energy to bathe. I changed into my home clothes and slept for two hours. Recharged, I would bathe and eat dinner AT HOME. I also suffered from...

It was Saturday. The sun was shining into my bedroom and rousing me from my sleep. Ah... why did I choose a master bedroom that has morning sun? The first thing I did was not to pee but to reach for my mercury old school thermometer and took my temperature. No... I was not having a fever. I was just taking my BBT to track my ovulation. "What? How could this be? Still 37.2 degrees?" I thought to myself. Puzzled, I recalled that today should be 15 days after my ovulation. My temperature should have dropped to below 37 to welcome my impending period but it was still very high. Don't tell me I am ... Two weeks ago ... I still have not ovulated. It was already Day 20ish. Sigh. It must have been the stress over my mom's surgery and cancer treatment that has messed up my cycle. Lying on the sofa, I started to have funny fantasies. I shall spring a surprise on my husband. And which I did and we did IT. I regretted because I was afraid I would be pregnant because I had...

Today I reported for work and it is those type of work whereby there would be long stretches of not doing anything. We are a team of three and my colleague M brought along a book, me a laptop and newspapers and N, brought nothing. Let me tell you something about N. Let's call her Nurina. She is pregnant now. Although she is three months old pregnant, she looks like she is 11 months. I am not trying to be mean because I want to give hope to those sistas out there who are very overweight, that Nurina, who looks very huge, is pregnant! I am so happy for Nurina because she had a previous miscarriage. Because of the long stretches of having nothing to do because we had no customers, we started chatting. I knew that M was not close to Nurina and I knew that Nurina just crossed her 13 week. So when M went away to get something, I took the chance to ask after Nurina. I knew she was spotting some time back so I asked her about her spotting. Guess what? She told me it was not spotting! It ...

Scriptures concerning Fertility and Childbirth Is it God's will for me to conceive and give birth to children? Yes, absolutely, The first command God gave to mankind was to "be fruitful and multiply." Genesis 1:28  Then God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground." Genesis 9:1 After the flood God again commanded Noah and his family and said, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." God loves children!  Fertility and children were always viewed as blessings in the Bible. It is not God's will to withhold any blessing from you. Psalm 84:11   For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Jesus loves infants and children! Luke 18:15-16   Then they also brought  infants  to Him ...