Flashback Week 12 - The 12th Week Scan
I blog because the grief is overwhelming me and the random flashbacks can kill. My blog is like a confessional box, absorbing every thought that haunts me. Instead of having random flashbacks, I shall walk through that day again and confront it. Once I have let everything out, I always feel I could start afresh. I procrastinated writing this post because this was the day that drew the line between heaven and hell, dreams and nightmares, bliss and pain. I was not sure if I was ready to write this post. Tonight I knew I had to write it because I could not sleep again. After two weeks since my surgical procedure to remove the remains of my placenta, I thought I was feeling better but there I am, tears streaming down my face while I am trying to sleep and not really thinking about IT. There were times I did suspect if I was slipping into depression but I could eat well.
... ...
"Oh gosh, have you read the pamphlets that Dr Fong has given us? Do you know that there are tests that can test if your baby is going to be a gay or too tall for her age?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! No wonder they cost a thousand! And I do not want to know too many details."
"Let's go and see baby! Remember to look at the screen this time and wave back at him when he waves at us. Stop ignoring him!"
There was no jam today. Once again, Dr Fong was wearing pink. He asked if there was any spotting or cramps since week 10. I shook my head. He looked pleasantly surprised and remarked that it was good. He asked us if we were doing Harmony, Verifi etc and explained his theories which one was the best. He shared with us that the tests could test if the child would have abnormal chromosomes, or even prone to criminal activities! I told him I would not abort even if the child would tend to be prone to criminal activities, gay or tomboy. Somehow, he misheard me and thought that I said that I would not abort no matter what and he said that in that case then we should not even consider doing any tests as that would be a waste of money. I did not correct him. The mood was relaxed. I did not feel very tensed up because I knew that the pregnancy was growing. How would I know? Because the pregnancy symptoms were very strong. I still felt nauseous, dizzy, tired and my boobs were hurting. My tummy also felt bloated. As we bantered about the tests, the doctor was happy. We were happy.
After somewhat like 5 minutes, he said, "Let's see the baby! I want to check the neck thickness."
We felt excited. I could not wait to see baby.
As I felt the cool gel on my tummy, the image of the ultrasound also came into focus. On my ... ... He has grown so much over two weeks. Amazing. Two weeks ago, he looked like a smurf - with a huge head and tiny body. Now, he looked like a small baby because the head was so much more proportionate than the body. The arms and legs were more defined. I could see the familiar flickering of the heart and soon, I heard the heartbeat. I remembered my dampening news from Mr Google about the high heart rate. Quickly, I took a glance. Phew, it has dropped from 196 bmp to 160 bmp - which was a good rate.
We were still relishing in our blissful moment that everything looked fine, when Dr Fong announced that he was going to check the baby's thickness.
"Oh I do not like this," he said in a very low and serious tone.
I felt my stomach flip. I refused to register what he said so I did not feel anything. I just waited in silence. I was sure nothing would be wrong since I had received "supernatural assurances".
"The baby's is not lying down. I cannot take a good look," he said.
Dr Fong tried again and said solemnly, "if it is this, it would be disastrous, I hope it is the membrane and not the neck thickness."
He tried again and pressed hard against my tummy until it hurt. Inside my heart, I was praying with all my might. I had never prayed so hard in my life. I was willing for him to change what he was saying. I wanted to walk out of the clinic triumphantly. I really did not want any more bad news. I could not afford to lose this pregnancy. Oh God, please don't! please ...
Dr Fong asked me to empty half my bladder and see if he could get a better image. I went to the toilet and I just could not empty half of it. Can you? I was thinking it would be so embarrassing if the rest of the urine flow onto the recliner in his clinic. I decided to just empty everything.
Meanwhile, he went to see another patient. We waited in silence again.
When he returned, he said he could get a good image. I continued to pray with all my heart. Finally, I heard something not so bad came out from his mouth.
He said, "Oh I think it is the membrane. If I take this measurement instead, the baby's NT is 3.3 mm, which is suspected abnormal chromosomes."
"Suspected is not as bad as disastrous right?" I thought to myself.
He went on to encourage us and said that he could at least see a bridge. He mumbled about the gender and said that it was better not to tell us but eventually he told us he thought that it was a boy. But when he checked the abdomen, he repeated a few times, "I do not like this. We have seen this before and we know what we are dealing with."
He explained that the baby's abdomen showed a circle of thin rim which should not be there. It indicated that the neck fluid has expanded to the abdomen and diagnosed it as edema. At this moment, I was not sure what edema was and why it was so serious. Eventually, he told us that he would be referring us to Prof Biswas or Prof Wong to do another scan to confirm his findings and he sincerely hoped his findings were wrong. I chose Prof Biswas and the good thing that came out of this appointment was that Dr Fong said that he knew Prof Biswas personally and would whatspp him to see if he could see us the very next day.
The irony of life - I have been trying to get an appointment with Prof Biswas since week 9 but he was so packed. Came one round, it was Dr Fong who managed to get us an appointment at such an eleventh hour. Prof Biswas did not reply straightaway so we went for our lunch first. After lunch, Dr Fong told us that Prof said we could see him at the Fetal Care Centre the next morning.
I am not sure about you, but when such disaster strikes, the husband and wife do not hug and cry like TV shows. They maintain a polite distance, each willing that the day was just a bad dream. Each went to their own cave and dealt with the Unknown. Each gave each a kind pat on the back.
In the evening, I asked my hub if we should inform our care cell members and get them to pray along with us. We announced the news of the bad scan over whatsapp chat group and some of them even promised to fast one meal and pray. One of them weirdly congratulated us. I was so dejected that I messaged back and asked her why she congratulated us. She text me personally and said that she wanted to claim the victory in Christ. I was thinking in my heart, yes true, I agree but this is like a person sharing that a family member could be diagnosed with terminal illness and you congratulate the person. I really felt it was very inappropriate but not offended.
I trawled through the internet on forums that talked about 3.3mm NT and oedema. I ONLY read those with positive outcomes. I even took screenshots of them to remind myself to stay positive. After reading, I felt more positive. Even my hub admitted that he too had check the internet and 3.3mm had many positive outcomes.
At night, I even got my husband to play the guitar and worship God with songs. We prayed together, broke bread and drank cranberry juice.
God, please perform a miracle for us.
... ...
"Oh gosh, have you read the pamphlets that Dr Fong has given us? Do you know that there are tests that can test if your baby is going to be a gay or too tall for her age?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! No wonder they cost a thousand! And I do not want to know too many details."
"Let's go and see baby! Remember to look at the screen this time and wave back at him when he waves at us. Stop ignoring him!"
There was no jam today. Once again, Dr Fong was wearing pink. He asked if there was any spotting or cramps since week 10. I shook my head. He looked pleasantly surprised and remarked that it was good. He asked us if we were doing Harmony, Verifi etc and explained his theories which one was the best. He shared with us that the tests could test if the child would have abnormal chromosomes, or even prone to criminal activities! I told him I would not abort even if the child would tend to be prone to criminal activities, gay or tomboy. Somehow, he misheard me and thought that I said that I would not abort no matter what and he said that in that case then we should not even consider doing any tests as that would be a waste of money. I did not correct him. The mood was relaxed. I did not feel very tensed up because I knew that the pregnancy was growing. How would I know? Because the pregnancy symptoms were very strong. I still felt nauseous, dizzy, tired and my boobs were hurting. My tummy also felt bloated. As we bantered about the tests, the doctor was happy. We were happy.
After somewhat like 5 minutes, he said, "Let's see the baby! I want to check the neck thickness."
We felt excited. I could not wait to see baby.
As I felt the cool gel on my tummy, the image of the ultrasound also came into focus. On my ... ... He has grown so much over two weeks. Amazing. Two weeks ago, he looked like a smurf - with a huge head and tiny body. Now, he looked like a small baby because the head was so much more proportionate than the body. The arms and legs were more defined. I could see the familiar flickering of the heart and soon, I heard the heartbeat. I remembered my dampening news from Mr Google about the high heart rate. Quickly, I took a glance. Phew, it has dropped from 196 bmp to 160 bmp - which was a good rate.
We were still relishing in our blissful moment that everything looked fine, when Dr Fong announced that he was going to check the baby's thickness.
"Oh I do not like this," he said in a very low and serious tone.
I felt my stomach flip. I refused to register what he said so I did not feel anything. I just waited in silence. I was sure nothing would be wrong since I had received "supernatural assurances".
"The baby's is not lying down. I cannot take a good look," he said.
Dr Fong tried again and said solemnly, "if it is this, it would be disastrous, I hope it is the membrane and not the neck thickness."
He tried again and pressed hard against my tummy until it hurt. Inside my heart, I was praying with all my might. I had never prayed so hard in my life. I was willing for him to change what he was saying. I wanted to walk out of the clinic triumphantly. I really did not want any more bad news. I could not afford to lose this pregnancy. Oh God, please don't! please ...
Dr Fong asked me to empty half my bladder and see if he could get a better image. I went to the toilet and I just could not empty half of it. Can you? I was thinking it would be so embarrassing if the rest of the urine flow onto the recliner in his clinic. I decided to just empty everything.
Meanwhile, he went to see another patient. We waited in silence again.
When he returned, he said he could get a good image. I continued to pray with all my heart. Finally, I heard something not so bad came out from his mouth.
He said, "Oh I think it is the membrane. If I take this measurement instead, the baby's NT is 3.3 mm, which is suspected abnormal chromosomes."
"Suspected is not as bad as disastrous right?" I thought to myself.
He went on to encourage us and said that he could at least see a bridge. He mumbled about the gender and said that it was better not to tell us but eventually he told us he thought that it was a boy. But when he checked the abdomen, he repeated a few times, "I do not like this. We have seen this before and we know what we are dealing with."
He explained that the baby's abdomen showed a circle of thin rim which should not be there. It indicated that the neck fluid has expanded to the abdomen and diagnosed it as edema. At this moment, I was not sure what edema was and why it was so serious. Eventually, he told us that he would be referring us to Prof Biswas or Prof Wong to do another scan to confirm his findings and he sincerely hoped his findings were wrong. I chose Prof Biswas and the good thing that came out of this appointment was that Dr Fong said that he knew Prof Biswas personally and would whatspp him to see if he could see us the very next day.
The irony of life - I have been trying to get an appointment with Prof Biswas since week 9 but he was so packed. Came one round, it was Dr Fong who managed to get us an appointment at such an eleventh hour. Prof Biswas did not reply straightaway so we went for our lunch first. After lunch, Dr Fong told us that Prof said we could see him at the Fetal Care Centre the next morning.
I am not sure about you, but when such disaster strikes, the husband and wife do not hug and cry like TV shows. They maintain a polite distance, each willing that the day was just a bad dream. Each went to their own cave and dealt with the Unknown. Each gave each a kind pat on the back.
In the evening, I asked my hub if we should inform our care cell members and get them to pray along with us. We announced the news of the bad scan over whatsapp chat group and some of them even promised to fast one meal and pray. One of them weirdly congratulated us. I was so dejected that I messaged back and asked her why she congratulated us. She text me personally and said that she wanted to claim the victory in Christ. I was thinking in my heart, yes true, I agree but this is like a person sharing that a family member could be diagnosed with terminal illness and you congratulate the person. I really felt it was very inappropriate but not offended.
I trawled through the internet on forums that talked about 3.3mm NT and oedema. I ONLY read those with positive outcomes. I even took screenshots of them to remind myself to stay positive. After reading, I felt more positive. Even my hub admitted that he too had check the internet and 3.3mm had many positive outcomes.
At night, I even got my husband to play the guitar and worship God with songs. We prayed together, broke bread and drank cranberry juice.
God, please perform a miracle for us.
It must be so hard writing this......
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