Land of Lemons

Today I reported for work and it is those type of work whereby there would be long stretches of not doing anything. We are a team of three and my colleague M brought along a book, me a laptop and newspapers and N, brought nothing. Let me tell you something about N. Let's call her Nurina. She is pregnant now. Although she is three months old pregnant, she looks like she is 11 months. I am not trying to be mean because I want to give hope to those sistas out there who are very overweight, that Nurina, who looks very huge, is pregnant! I am so happy for Nurina because she had a previous miscarriage. Because of the long stretches of having nothing to do because we had no customers, we started chatting. I knew that M was not close to Nurina and I knew that Nurina just crossed her 13 week. So when M went away to get something, I took the chance to ask after Nurina. I knew she was spotting some time back so I asked her about her spotting. Guess what? She told me it was not spotting! It ...

It all started with some coffee talk in the staff canteen. It was hilarious. I was with two male colleagues and another female colleague. They were asking me why I changed my whatsapp photo into a couple pic and I told them that I noticed that those couple friends who act all lovey on social media and post their couple pics on whatsapp and whatever media all have kids! I know I am sounding like a lunatic but hey, it gave me an inspiration for this post. All those stupid silly ridiculous ideas we have tried just to increase our chances by that tiny bit every month. SO .... I decided to choose the most blissful looking couple photo I had and used that as my whatsapp profile pic. I told my hub about it and he gleefully followed suit and played along with my silly idea. We had wanted to change our FB pics too but in the end too lazy. At the table, my colleague who was also trying to have kids, texted her hub about this silly idea and he too, immediately changed his photo pic. So hilarious!...

When I woke up in the morning, I took my temperature and realised that it had dipped to 36.6 (look at the graph from the smart app "Fertility Friend"), I felt disappointment creeping into my otherwise, well rested body. Dipping around Day 30 always means an impending period. Yesterday night, by 10pm, my body shut down and I slumped my body on my bed. I realised that it is not the number of hours that matters but the time that you sleep. If I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8, it is not as refreshing as sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6.  I brushed my teeth and drank water. I sat down on the sofa, still thumping the disappointment down. "Hey, 36.6 is not that bad. Don't think so much," I consoled myself. I switched on the fan and the cold wind blew. I took my phone and checked Facebook as if it was my morning devotional material.  "Ah another friend is expecting and is hinting online," I whispered in my head. I didn't bother to wri...

My sister, an online guru, started reading aloud Jade Seah's entry on her abusive relationship while I was fetching her home. I felt as if I was transported back to those days when I was dating this guy, let's just call him Josh. I know I am supposed to blog about fertility but today, I am going to side track a little. When I was 24, I was working in an environment whereby there were no suitable partners. My last relationship was two years ago. Most eligible guys are attached when you are in your mid twenties. It takes a bit of fate to get paired up. I even went for SDU events. I remembered I went for two events. Both were those events whereby you have a drink and people just randomly talked to you. I did not meet anyone suitable. I did go out with a guy who was much older than me. He was 34. I was okay with his age but he enjoyed running so much that he forced me to sprint the last lap even though I was on the verge of collapsing. Our conversations were always a tad too awkw...

If you have read my earlier post under "another visit to Dr Tan Siew Buoy", I mentioned that I would be trying my best to get pregnant this month because finally, my asthma is getting better. Try my best, I did. I exercise every alternate day because I have learnt in the past that exercise is good for my PCO condition. I ate properly. We also ensure that from Day 11 onwards, we had sexual intercourse every alternate day. Today was Day 19. I woke up with a horrible horrible high fever of close to 39 degree celcius. I had started to fall sick yesterday. Yesterday, I woke up with 37.1 and I already knew that something was amiss because the day before, my temperature was 36.4. The spike was unusual. I went to work as usual. The air con blasting the office was unbearable. There was this female colleague, who sat a few desks away, always made the air con very cold because she insisted that she could not feel the air con at her area, making the majority of us in the room, suffer...

Some entries ago, I have promised that I would post an entry on IVIG. For those sweeties out there who have been following my blog, you would have known that IVIG is the recommended procedure by my gynae when I am pregnant. I am supposed to get IVIG drip estimated four drips during my first trimester in order to sustain my pregnancy. But alas, in this year of break from work, I did not manage to get pregnant so I forgot about  my promise to you. Today, on a lazy Saturday, I remembered my promise. Why do I need to research on IVIG and do a post? Why can't I research on wikipedia the relationship between IVIG and pregnancy? Because such articles are usually biased towards a view. If I find out based on the questions in my head, I would have a clearer understanding. Have you ever had this experience that when you are desperately finding something, you just cannot find it no matter what you do or how much you try? The moment you stop looking for it, it will pop up one day and delight...

In my previous post, I have mentioned that I was in a dilemma whether I should return to work. Well, I have decided to return and have been working for one week. The warm smiles from colleagues warmed my heart. Prior to returning, I have taken a year's break because I lost my third pregnancy on a day that was physically tiring and mentally exhausting. The break was worth it. Prior to it, I dreaded work everyday. I hated going to work because of politics and I was facing mid thirties crisis of losing my direction in life. This week, I did not dread going to work. It was a good start. I feel healthier mentally. I hope this mentality would last. What is your take? Do you think that work would affect pregnancy? I also mentioned in the past that I developed asthma. After returning to work, my asthma is better (keeping my fingers crossed). To apply what I have written in my "Stress management" post, I formed a small clique of lunch time friends whereby we would prepare health...

My asthma is much better after applying what I have found online as posted. I can't sleep now because I have so many conflicting thoughts. Recently, I began to entertain strange thoughts - no not silly thoughts of suicide but really strange thoughts. What if infertility is just an act of nature? Nature knows best. If we intervene so much, are we going against nature? Is it nature's way of eliminating the weak? I remembered my colleague sharing with me that she finally managed to conceive as a result of going for TCM. Her son is already Primary 5. But alas, she and her husband just divorced. What if nature knows best? If she had not forcefully wanted to have a child at the wrong time, maybe she and her husband would still be together? I have seen couples with no kids but they still seem strong as a couple together. If we try our very best to conceive, through IVF, IUI, clomid, IVIG etc, the baby is healthy but is that the best path? At that point in time, the baby is h...

I have taken a year break from work. My leave is ending in one and a half month's time. Ironically, I failed to get pregnant during the break. Although it has been ten months, I spent the first few months recovering from the third failed pregnancy. The next few months, I wasn't feeling well with so many people down with flu around me. My cough developed into asthma - an old foe from childhood who has returned to haunt me. I am still seeing TCM Tan Siew Buoy. Nowadays, she will say "no good news?" and expressed disappointment if my menses came. I took it in a good way cos she seemed really determined and concerned about me. My mother-in-law has been dropping hints for example "how nice it would be to have kids blah blah blah". My mind always flashes ,"你以为我不要吗？” (Do you think that I did not want kids?". she also expresses desire that I see this and that doctor or even go overseas to find some famous TCM doc despite us telling her that we are alread...

I have been spotting for three days. The spotting gets worse. I have a feeling my period is coming. If my period comes tomorrow, this cycle would be a 26 day cycle. Not too bad since the ideal cycle is 28. We definitely did our homework in bed. That's what Dr Tan SB refers sexual intercourse to : 做功课. Yesterday I was hopping so much that it would be implantation bleeding and not period. I would check every now and then that the blood is still a brown tinge. I would check internet to assure myself that there is a high chance that it could be implantation bleeding. Sometimes, I would test for pregnancy and sulk even more when the test kit is negative. Today it worsened in the evening and I could feel my body deflating, together with my hopes. Whenever my period comes, it would be days loaded with bad emotions. After the first few days, I would be restored with hope and the whole cycle would continue. Disappointment.  All those nights of making love despite my husband's...