Abusive Relationship in Singapore
My sister, an online guru, started reading aloud Jade Seah's entry on her abusive relationship while I was fetching her home. I felt as if I was transported back to those days when I was dating this guy, let's just call him Josh. I know I am supposed to blog about fertility but today, I am going to side track a little.
When I was 24, I was working in an environment whereby there were no suitable partners. My last relationship was two years ago. Most eligible guys are attached when you are in your mid twenties. It takes a bit of fate to get paired up. I even went for SDU events. I remembered I went for two events. Both were those events whereby you have a drink and people just randomly talked to you. I did not meet anyone suitable. I did go out with a guy who was much older than me. He was 34. I was okay with his age but he enjoyed running so much that he forced me to sprint the last lap even though I was on the verge of collapsing. Our conversations were always a tad too awkward.
Suddenly, I received Friendster (should be Friendster no FB yet) messages from single guys. The first one was very sweet and would appear out of nowhere to fetch me back. But he got physical too quickly and that frightened me off. The second one was the most interesting. He was a biologist. I enjoyed my outings with him and he got frightened by me when I gave him a handmade craft on Valentine's Day which he had painstakingly prepared a romantic picnic by the beach. My guy friend told me that it was rude not to give him anything since he had planned such a nice evening so I made something. The next day after receiving my handmade craft, the biologist told me that he had not settled his issues with his ex GF and he was not ready to go into a new relationship. He then started ignoring my messages. So, my heart was on the verge of giving up on SDU guys and weird guys from internet when I received a third Friendster message from - Josh. I had nothing to do that evening so I thought this was going to be the last time I ever entertained such guys - and it was truly the last.
We arranged to meet at a shopping centre entrance. I was there earlier. Maybe he was there too but he was checking me out from a corner?
I was browsing the Taka Jewellery when I heard someone call, "Hey, are you Faith?"
I turned around. My heart skipped a beat. Oh my gosh, he looked so handsome, way better than the Friendster photo. He was not those playboy type of handsome but he looked very korean, clean cut, and looked like the ideal husband in my fantasy. We went to Coffee Club to have a drink. We talked about easy topics and it wasn't awkward at all. I kind of enjoyed my time with him. He picked up the tab which was gentlemanly and I offered to go dutch which he declined.
He dated me out subsequently and we continued to enjoy ourselves until one day, he convinced me to be his girlfriend. I could not believe how smooth we were progressing. Could this be the legendary love at first sight? We met up on the beach at East Coast Park and he gave me a bouquet of flowers and urged me to give him a chance and to give us a chance to develop this further. Coupled with my previous failures and perhaps I was lonely and exasperated, sort of saying, desperate, I said yes! On hindsight, I wondered if he could smell my desperation and targeted me.
I heard from time to time from my girlfriends and also from my own experiences of dating that the guys are not committed because they find excuses not to meet you but not Josh. Josh wanted to meet me EVERYDAY. Initially, I was flattered that someone would be so besotted with me that he wanted to see me so frequently. He would either have dinner at my place or I would tabao dinner to his place. I also realised that he had a complicated family background. His mother had left his father and remarried. Josh was staying with his mother, step-father and step-sister and he was supporting the house. He was very angst towards his biological mother and very cold towards his step-father. He was alright towards his step-sister. She said he was a good brother. He treated his nanny and family as if his own and called them his Godparents. He would give allowance to them instead of his own mother. He took me to see his nanny and family very soon into our relationship. He was also very nice to my family, always offering to help my mother wash the dishes. He was a Catholic because his Godparents were Catholic and we would attend mass together.
Soon, we have our quarrels. We would quarrel every time we met. Every time, he would be the one to start a quarrel and he would claim that it was MY FAULT. I was the LOUSY girlfriend who always made him explode. He would get angry with me over things like if I mentioned that I was too full and did not wish to eat supper. He would raise his voice and threw tantrums saying that I was not appreciative that he wanted us to spend time eating supper. Other times, it was over some kind of response that I gave him that did not please him. He would sulk and refused to talk to me. The sulking would escalate into something more drama mama. He would fly into a rage because he had stepped on my newly manicured toes and I had yelped. He said that I was very mean to have yelped at him over such a trivial thing. Instead of apologising to me for stepping on my toes, he would accuse me of something which I was not convinced that I was at fault.
Over time, just like Jade, I became a different person, with my goal in every outing, just to please him, hopping not to set him off. I hated it when he shouted and ranted in public. I would do everything I could not to set him off in public. Every time after a quarrel, he would insist on scolding me until it was way past midnight into the wee hours. When I wanted to sleep, he would accuse me that I did not love him and that I could leave him upset and could happily sleep with him still upset. I explained to him that it was late and we both needed to work the next day. It was mentally and physically torturing. He kept blaming me and calling me names such as FUCKING BITCH. No matter how hard I tried, our quarrels escalated.
When I mentioned escalated, I meant his reactions had escalated. From screaming at me in public, he escalated to asking me to get off his car in the middle of nowhere. If I refused to get out of his car, he would threaten to hit me. Very soon, he showed his true colours - possessiveness and control of my life. Every time my phone beeped, he DEMANDED to check the messages. I had guy friends then but he could not accept the fact that I had guy friends. He would grill me non stop whenever the message was from a male. He was so crazy that he was convinced that I had changed the names of my male contacts into female names to deceive him because that was what his ex had done to him. I tried to switch to silent mode and he grew even more suspicious, thinking that I had something to hide. It was so bad that my heart would cower in fear every time my phone beeped. During one of the arguments, he decided to snatch my mobile phone from me and locked me up in his room while he checked my phone such as my messages. He removed my SIM card and returned me my phone and gave me a new SIM card.
"Use this new number," he ordered.
I must have been crazy to allow him to push me around but yet, I obeyed. I used the new number and only my family and close female friends had this number. For a while, the phone problem was solved but the quarrels did not stop.
Seeing that I had submitted to him, he grew even nastier instead of softening. To pacify him, he came up with new and ingenuous ways. In the past, he would only let me off if I was reduced to a pitiful heap of sobs or lifeless body curled in a corner. Now, he decided to punish me further and felt that I deserved the punishment. The punishments were small chores like getting me to fold all the clothes in his wardrobe and mopping his floor. I actually complied! Even after doing all the chores, he would still wear a frown on his face. He would "release" me from my punishment by saying things like, "okay now we can go for dinner."
He was also very suspicious all the time. I had accidentally left the money at the ATM machine and when he wanted me to pay up for some snacks, I opened my wallet and realised I had no money. He berated me for the whole day that I was a scheming bitch who was after his money and had lied in order to get him pay. I tried in vain to make him understand that I had accidentally left the money at the ATM. Soon, he started to ask me for money to buy this and that as a punishment as well.
The reason why I stuck to this relationship despite the nasty bits was because like all men with violent tendencies, they would be very apologetic and asked for your understanding when they are sane. Josh told me that he knew he was bad tempered. He knew that he had an issue and he hoped that I could be the one to calm him down whenever he flew into a rage. He told me that he could not help his crazy outburst. He knew he was escalating but he had no control. I asked him how I could help to calm him down and he said that I had to look very sorry and oblige his demands at that moment of rage until he cooled down. He even sang Depeech Mode "Somebody" to me. Despite him calling me names and saying I was the one who made this relationship suck etc etc, he wanted to marry me. We were only together for only four months! His colleague was selling his condo for 430k and he dragged me there to see the unit, claiming that it looked like a home we could have together. It was cosy, no doubt, but I had serious doubts about this man. I told him that I did not like the house as it was second hand and it was too expensive for us. He then took me to see new condo launches. He also took me to see his biological father and girlfriend. He got his father to pay for his car repairs in Malaysia and when I asked him why he did that, he simply replied that his father owed him for abandoning him.
He was quite sadistic because he enjoyed playing this wrestling game with me whereby he would elbow my thighs. I called it a game because we were not having a quarrel. He was also not in his usual explosive self. He would just jokingly ask me some questions until I said yes and he would stop elbowing my thighs. My inner thighs would be covered with bruises. I was so confused because the mood was not angry yet I was left with bruises. He tried it a few times and I had to firmly tell him - no physical abuse. I told him that if he ever dare to lay a finger on me, I would leave him straightaway and I would go to the police.
From ranting at me, he also started to throw hard objects such as books at me. He would hurl objects from his table at me. He would not even flinch if they hit me. It was a different matter if you hurl objects on the floor to let off steam but he was aiming at me.
During this period, I still had no idea that he was a violent man with violent tendencies. Sounds funny? I only knew that he was a man with a lot of baggages. Before I was in such a relationship, I really thought that women who allowed themselves to be tortured mentally or physically are really dumb or weak in character but after I was in such a relationship, I understood why we stayed. I am telling this story because I wanted you to know that anyone could have fallen into this vicious cycle and only people who have been through it understand why we did not run away immediately.
First, it was LOVE or infatuation. I know this sounds stupid but remember how I had gushed over him in the first place and everything was nice and lovely. It was during this phase that I developed feelings for him. If you do not love this person or have romantic ideals about him, there is no way you would have stayed. I also loved him for being very nice and considerate to my family. He would take the effort to play chess with my dad. It was a very sadistic and intense love story.
Second, PITY. My heart always had a soft spot for him because he had a difficult childhood. He claimed his father had abandoned them. His mother subsequently abused him. He wanted so hard to climb out of this darkness and I wanted so much to be the one to lead him out.
Third, ASPIRATION. I always aspire that one day, he would go for counselling and he would be a better person and we would really live happily ever after.
Fourth, DENIAL. Initially, I really did not associate his actions with violent tendencies. I did not know that he would be beating me. I just thought that those controlling actions were borne out of his difficult situations,
Fifth, BUSY. Everyday, I was too busy just trying to pacify him that I had no time to think of leaving him. It sounds crazy but it is true! I would be so happy that I finally achieved going on an outing that appeased him and he did not flare up. I would feel so proud of myself.
Sixth, FEAR. I would get to fear later.
It was by God's grace that I chanced upon an online article on violent men. I already mentioned to you that despite all these, I had no idea that he was violent. The article asked us to tick the symptoms. It was no surprise that I ticked all of the symptoms. The article said that this person would be very likely to hit me if not now but future. This article was the turning point. I was so brainwashed that I really thought I might have played a part in creating the monster in him which were the words he always used. He said that I was the type of woman who would bring out the worst in every man. He made me feel so lousy that no one wanted me. He also always compared me to his first girlfriend of seven years that I was not as docile as her and that she would never bring out the monster in him.
Yet, I still did not leave him. Having acknowledged that he was violent, I confronted him about it and told him that it was due to his emotional baggages that he turned out to be like this. I told him to go for counselling for the better of us. He refused. I brought it up a few times. He seemed to be moved that I was so concerned about him. But, he still did not go.
The last straw came when he got angry again and we were in his room. He clasped my neck in his hand and attempted to choke me. I looked at him in the eye and told him that I was not afraid because I grew up in violence too. My dad used to throw things around until I became a Christian and started praying for my family that both my parents' characters changed. He said that I was just cooking up a story to get his sympathy and I was alway pushing him to the limits and I had no idea what kind of monster he could turn into. He took an empty hard liquor bottle on his desk, raised it above my head and wanted to hit me. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the hit but it never came. The bottle crashed onto the floor beside me and shattered into pieces. He released me and walked away. I quickly cleared the glass and swept the floor.
I knew I had to exit. The article was right. Today I managed to escape, tomorrow I might not. I knew I could not leave straightaway because of FEAR. During our petty but violent quarrels, he did threaten to break up and I did threaten to break up but we never did. In his rage, he mentioned before that he would haunt me to death if I ever leave him. He would also create havoc at my workplace and he would not let me off if I break up with him. I was so distraught and alone that I called SOS. SOS councilor was very nice. She told me that I was very mature in recognizing that he was violent. She didn't prescribe solutions but asked me questions to clarify my thoughts processes. I was alone because I kept his violent actions from my close friends and families because I did not want them to worry about me. I also did not want to hear their judgement on him. I also felt embarrassed.
I prayed to God to show me a way and He really did, which was to speak the truth in my heart because the bible says the truth shall always set you free. I waited for an opportunity. One day, I decided to break the vicious cycle of him getting angry with me and me failing to pacify him with punishments or sweet words. I told him that I truly loved him and I told him that I truly believed he felt it too through my persistent attempts in trying to make this work. I told him that because I loved him and because I too believed that he loved me, we needed to let each other go. I told him that he should not change because it is impossible to change a person's character. I told him that he deserved the chance to look for someone more suitable than me, someone whose character was docile and gentle by nature, someone who would douse the fire in him, someone who might not even set off the fire in him in the first place and that person was not me. I told him that I had tried my best but I was not good for him. My character was too strong and we would suffer if we stayed together even though we loved each other. We both cried and he said yes. After breaking up, we still met up because we still had feelings for each other. Eventually, we let go of each other completely and I also changed my number. After changing my number, I was preparing myself to see him loitering at my workplace or at my house but he honoured his promise to let us go.
I never believed that Josh wanted to hurt me purposely. I truly believed that he was bound by the devil from his past. Five years later, I received a rude shock. I received a Friendster message asking me if I was Faith Cheong. Out of curiosity, I replied yes. She told me that she was Josh's ex-girlfriend and she had found a packet of medicine bearing my name and she decided to look for me on Friendster. I was so shocked because memories of the past replayed in my mind. At that time, I had totally forgotten about Josh and was blissfully enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend, now husband. She told me she was Alicia. I exchanged MSN contacts with Alicia and I asked her a few questions about her relationship with Josh. I realised that Josh had not changed at all, in fact, worsened. He still blamed Alicia for every quarrel and called her a good for nothing and he was as controlling as ever. Worse, he would often grab her hair and slapped her a few times across the face. Her intention of contacting me was that she was desperate to get Josh back. She was still madly in love with Josh and she suspected that he was leaving her for another woman. From her, I found out that Josh's godfather had passed away. I checked Alicia's Friendster picture again - pretty, sweet, petite. I told Alicia that I could not help her get Josh back because I was only with Josh for 6 months. I assured her that she needed to regain her self-confidence and that she deserved happiness. I also shared with her my experience and asked her not to lose faith. I wished her all the best.
Almost immediately, I located Josh's contact on my MSN and messaged him to tell him that Alicia messaged me. This was the first time we had contacted each other in five years. I needed to tell him because having understood Josh, he wanted to be in control of everything. He would fly into a rage if he had been in the dark knowing that Alicia had contacted me. I only told him that Alicia loved him very much and hoped to get back with him. Surprisingly he was very cordial and calm. After that contact, we did not contact each other ever again. I also did not know what had happened to him and Alicia.
Every relationship teaches me something. Although my relationship with Josh was very drama mama, I learnt that trust is very important. I did some soul searching and I would not say I was totally not at fault. I learnt that I should take the initiative to explain my male friends (if any) with my partner and should be open about it at the start, not in the middle. Because of Josh's frequent outbursts, I am very good at handling outbursts from anyone. I can remain very calm and this is very useful at work.
I found my husband after a long and winding road. We have our usual arguments but he never made me feel lousy. He does not scream at me and call me names. He does not check my messages. He is very trusting. My husband made me feel that Josh was wrong about me. After that relationship, I did suffer some self doubt for a while even though it was only 6 months of brainwashing. My husband and I do not have any major issues. We enjoy each other and alas, our only difficult challenge is to have a baby! It makes me feel that truly, every relationship has its hurdle. That is LIFE!
I also feel that distrust stems from insecurity. Ever since the tests results revealed that I was the one with problems, I felt very insecure. I too wanted to check my husband's messages and I did and he knew but we both laughed it away. I also felt insecure when he went for lunches with female colleagues because he was in sales and the majority of his team were females. Prior to the tests results, I did not have such insecure thoughts. I did tell him my insecurities issues but he told me that he had faith we would have our own children one day, just not today.
Back to our topic on abusive relationship, that day, it was an article which was the turning point for me. I have searched for a similar article for you.
http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-the-Signs-of-an-Abusive-Man
Be brave and do what you need to do.
SOS number 1800 - 221 - 4444
You are never alone. Other than God, SOS is always ready to listen to you especially if you feel suicidal or trapped.
When I was 24, I was working in an environment whereby there were no suitable partners. My last relationship was two years ago. Most eligible guys are attached when you are in your mid twenties. It takes a bit of fate to get paired up. I even went for SDU events. I remembered I went for two events. Both were those events whereby you have a drink and people just randomly talked to you. I did not meet anyone suitable. I did go out with a guy who was much older than me. He was 34. I was okay with his age but he enjoyed running so much that he forced me to sprint the last lap even though I was on the verge of collapsing. Our conversations were always a tad too awkward.
Suddenly, I received Friendster (should be Friendster no FB yet) messages from single guys. The first one was very sweet and would appear out of nowhere to fetch me back. But he got physical too quickly and that frightened me off. The second one was the most interesting. He was a biologist. I enjoyed my outings with him and he got frightened by me when I gave him a handmade craft on Valentine's Day which he had painstakingly prepared a romantic picnic by the beach. My guy friend told me that it was rude not to give him anything since he had planned such a nice evening so I made something. The next day after receiving my handmade craft, the biologist told me that he had not settled his issues with his ex GF and he was not ready to go into a new relationship. He then started ignoring my messages. So, my heart was on the verge of giving up on SDU guys and weird guys from internet when I received a third Friendster message from - Josh. I had nothing to do that evening so I thought this was going to be the last time I ever entertained such guys - and it was truly the last.
We arranged to meet at a shopping centre entrance. I was there earlier. Maybe he was there too but he was checking me out from a corner?
I was browsing the Taka Jewellery when I heard someone call, "Hey, are you Faith?"
I turned around. My heart skipped a beat. Oh my gosh, he looked so handsome, way better than the Friendster photo. He was not those playboy type of handsome but he looked very korean, clean cut, and looked like the ideal husband in my fantasy. We went to Coffee Club to have a drink. We talked about easy topics and it wasn't awkward at all. I kind of enjoyed my time with him. He picked up the tab which was gentlemanly and I offered to go dutch which he declined.
He dated me out subsequently and we continued to enjoy ourselves until one day, he convinced me to be his girlfriend. I could not believe how smooth we were progressing. Could this be the legendary love at first sight? We met up on the beach at East Coast Park and he gave me a bouquet of flowers and urged me to give him a chance and to give us a chance to develop this further. Coupled with my previous failures and perhaps I was lonely and exasperated, sort of saying, desperate, I said yes! On hindsight, I wondered if he could smell my desperation and targeted me.
I heard from time to time from my girlfriends and also from my own experiences of dating that the guys are not committed because they find excuses not to meet you but not Josh. Josh wanted to meet me EVERYDAY. Initially, I was flattered that someone would be so besotted with me that he wanted to see me so frequently. He would either have dinner at my place or I would tabao dinner to his place. I also realised that he had a complicated family background. His mother had left his father and remarried. Josh was staying with his mother, step-father and step-sister and he was supporting the house. He was very angst towards his biological mother and very cold towards his step-father. He was alright towards his step-sister. She said he was a good brother. He treated his nanny and family as if his own and called them his Godparents. He would give allowance to them instead of his own mother. He took me to see his nanny and family very soon into our relationship. He was also very nice to my family, always offering to help my mother wash the dishes. He was a Catholic because his Godparents were Catholic and we would attend mass together.
Soon, we have our quarrels. We would quarrel every time we met. Every time, he would be the one to start a quarrel and he would claim that it was MY FAULT. I was the LOUSY girlfriend who always made him explode. He would get angry with me over things like if I mentioned that I was too full and did not wish to eat supper. He would raise his voice and threw tantrums saying that I was not appreciative that he wanted us to spend time eating supper. Other times, it was over some kind of response that I gave him that did not please him. He would sulk and refused to talk to me. The sulking would escalate into something more drama mama. He would fly into a rage because he had stepped on my newly manicured toes and I had yelped. He said that I was very mean to have yelped at him over such a trivial thing. Instead of apologising to me for stepping on my toes, he would accuse me of something which I was not convinced that I was at fault.
Over time, just like Jade, I became a different person, with my goal in every outing, just to please him, hopping not to set him off. I hated it when he shouted and ranted in public. I would do everything I could not to set him off in public. Every time after a quarrel, he would insist on scolding me until it was way past midnight into the wee hours. When I wanted to sleep, he would accuse me that I did not love him and that I could leave him upset and could happily sleep with him still upset. I explained to him that it was late and we both needed to work the next day. It was mentally and physically torturing. He kept blaming me and calling me names such as FUCKING BITCH. No matter how hard I tried, our quarrels escalated.
When I mentioned escalated, I meant his reactions had escalated. From screaming at me in public, he escalated to asking me to get off his car in the middle of nowhere. If I refused to get out of his car, he would threaten to hit me. Very soon, he showed his true colours - possessiveness and control of my life. Every time my phone beeped, he DEMANDED to check the messages. I had guy friends then but he could not accept the fact that I had guy friends. He would grill me non stop whenever the message was from a male. He was so crazy that he was convinced that I had changed the names of my male contacts into female names to deceive him because that was what his ex had done to him. I tried to switch to silent mode and he grew even more suspicious, thinking that I had something to hide. It was so bad that my heart would cower in fear every time my phone beeped. During one of the arguments, he decided to snatch my mobile phone from me and locked me up in his room while he checked my phone such as my messages. He removed my SIM card and returned me my phone and gave me a new SIM card.
"Use this new number," he ordered.
I must have been crazy to allow him to push me around but yet, I obeyed. I used the new number and only my family and close female friends had this number. For a while, the phone problem was solved but the quarrels did not stop.
Seeing that I had submitted to him, he grew even nastier instead of softening. To pacify him, he came up with new and ingenuous ways. In the past, he would only let me off if I was reduced to a pitiful heap of sobs or lifeless body curled in a corner. Now, he decided to punish me further and felt that I deserved the punishment. The punishments were small chores like getting me to fold all the clothes in his wardrobe and mopping his floor. I actually complied! Even after doing all the chores, he would still wear a frown on his face. He would "release" me from my punishment by saying things like, "okay now we can go for dinner."
He was also very suspicious all the time. I had accidentally left the money at the ATM machine and when he wanted me to pay up for some snacks, I opened my wallet and realised I had no money. He berated me for the whole day that I was a scheming bitch who was after his money and had lied in order to get him pay. I tried in vain to make him understand that I had accidentally left the money at the ATM. Soon, he started to ask me for money to buy this and that as a punishment as well.
The reason why I stuck to this relationship despite the nasty bits was because like all men with violent tendencies, they would be very apologetic and asked for your understanding when they are sane. Josh told me that he knew he was bad tempered. He knew that he had an issue and he hoped that I could be the one to calm him down whenever he flew into a rage. He told me that he could not help his crazy outburst. He knew he was escalating but he had no control. I asked him how I could help to calm him down and he said that I had to look very sorry and oblige his demands at that moment of rage until he cooled down. He even sang Depeech Mode "Somebody" to me. Despite him calling me names and saying I was the one who made this relationship suck etc etc, he wanted to marry me. We were only together for only four months! His colleague was selling his condo for 430k and he dragged me there to see the unit, claiming that it looked like a home we could have together. It was cosy, no doubt, but I had serious doubts about this man. I told him that I did not like the house as it was second hand and it was too expensive for us. He then took me to see new condo launches. He also took me to see his biological father and girlfriend. He got his father to pay for his car repairs in Malaysia and when I asked him why he did that, he simply replied that his father owed him for abandoning him.
He was quite sadistic because he enjoyed playing this wrestling game with me whereby he would elbow my thighs. I called it a game because we were not having a quarrel. He was also not in his usual explosive self. He would just jokingly ask me some questions until I said yes and he would stop elbowing my thighs. My inner thighs would be covered with bruises. I was so confused because the mood was not angry yet I was left with bruises. He tried it a few times and I had to firmly tell him - no physical abuse. I told him that if he ever dare to lay a finger on me, I would leave him straightaway and I would go to the police.
From ranting at me, he also started to throw hard objects such as books at me. He would hurl objects from his table at me. He would not even flinch if they hit me. It was a different matter if you hurl objects on the floor to let off steam but he was aiming at me.
During this period, I still had no idea that he was a violent man with violent tendencies. Sounds funny? I only knew that he was a man with a lot of baggages. Before I was in such a relationship, I really thought that women who allowed themselves to be tortured mentally or physically are really dumb or weak in character but after I was in such a relationship, I understood why we stayed. I am telling this story because I wanted you to know that anyone could have fallen into this vicious cycle and only people who have been through it understand why we did not run away immediately.
First, it was LOVE or infatuation. I know this sounds stupid but remember how I had gushed over him in the first place and everything was nice and lovely. It was during this phase that I developed feelings for him. If you do not love this person or have romantic ideals about him, there is no way you would have stayed. I also loved him for being very nice and considerate to my family. He would take the effort to play chess with my dad. It was a very sadistic and intense love story.
Second, PITY. My heart always had a soft spot for him because he had a difficult childhood. He claimed his father had abandoned them. His mother subsequently abused him. He wanted so hard to climb out of this darkness and I wanted so much to be the one to lead him out.
Third, ASPIRATION. I always aspire that one day, he would go for counselling and he would be a better person and we would really live happily ever after.
Fourth, DENIAL. Initially, I really did not associate his actions with violent tendencies. I did not know that he would be beating me. I just thought that those controlling actions were borne out of his difficult situations,
Fifth, BUSY. Everyday, I was too busy just trying to pacify him that I had no time to think of leaving him. It sounds crazy but it is true! I would be so happy that I finally achieved going on an outing that appeased him and he did not flare up. I would feel so proud of myself.
Sixth, FEAR. I would get to fear later.
It was by God's grace that I chanced upon an online article on violent men. I already mentioned to you that despite all these, I had no idea that he was violent. The article asked us to tick the symptoms. It was no surprise that I ticked all of the symptoms. The article said that this person would be very likely to hit me if not now but future. This article was the turning point. I was so brainwashed that I really thought I might have played a part in creating the monster in him which were the words he always used. He said that I was the type of woman who would bring out the worst in every man. He made me feel so lousy that no one wanted me. He also always compared me to his first girlfriend of seven years that I was not as docile as her and that she would never bring out the monster in him.
Yet, I still did not leave him. Having acknowledged that he was violent, I confronted him about it and told him that it was due to his emotional baggages that he turned out to be like this. I told him to go for counselling for the better of us. He refused. I brought it up a few times. He seemed to be moved that I was so concerned about him. But, he still did not go.
The last straw came when he got angry again and we were in his room. He clasped my neck in his hand and attempted to choke me. I looked at him in the eye and told him that I was not afraid because I grew up in violence too. My dad used to throw things around until I became a Christian and started praying for my family that both my parents' characters changed. He said that I was just cooking up a story to get his sympathy and I was alway pushing him to the limits and I had no idea what kind of monster he could turn into. He took an empty hard liquor bottle on his desk, raised it above my head and wanted to hit me. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the hit but it never came. The bottle crashed onto the floor beside me and shattered into pieces. He released me and walked away. I quickly cleared the glass and swept the floor.
I knew I had to exit. The article was right. Today I managed to escape, tomorrow I might not. I knew I could not leave straightaway because of FEAR. During our petty but violent quarrels, he did threaten to break up and I did threaten to break up but we never did. In his rage, he mentioned before that he would haunt me to death if I ever leave him. He would also create havoc at my workplace and he would not let me off if I break up with him. I was so distraught and alone that I called SOS. SOS councilor was very nice. She told me that I was very mature in recognizing that he was violent. She didn't prescribe solutions but asked me questions to clarify my thoughts processes. I was alone because I kept his violent actions from my close friends and families because I did not want them to worry about me. I also did not want to hear their judgement on him. I also felt embarrassed.
I prayed to God to show me a way and He really did, which was to speak the truth in my heart because the bible says the truth shall always set you free. I waited for an opportunity. One day, I decided to break the vicious cycle of him getting angry with me and me failing to pacify him with punishments or sweet words. I told him that I truly loved him and I told him that I truly believed he felt it too through my persistent attempts in trying to make this work. I told him that because I loved him and because I too believed that he loved me, we needed to let each other go. I told him that he should not change because it is impossible to change a person's character. I told him that he deserved the chance to look for someone more suitable than me, someone whose character was docile and gentle by nature, someone who would douse the fire in him, someone who might not even set off the fire in him in the first place and that person was not me. I told him that I had tried my best but I was not good for him. My character was too strong and we would suffer if we stayed together even though we loved each other. We both cried and he said yes. After breaking up, we still met up because we still had feelings for each other. Eventually, we let go of each other completely and I also changed my number. After changing my number, I was preparing myself to see him loitering at my workplace or at my house but he honoured his promise to let us go.
I never believed that Josh wanted to hurt me purposely. I truly believed that he was bound by the devil from his past. Five years later, I received a rude shock. I received a Friendster message asking me if I was Faith Cheong. Out of curiosity, I replied yes. She told me that she was Josh's ex-girlfriend and she had found a packet of medicine bearing my name and she decided to look for me on Friendster. I was so shocked because memories of the past replayed in my mind. At that time, I had totally forgotten about Josh and was blissfully enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend, now husband. She told me she was Alicia. I exchanged MSN contacts with Alicia and I asked her a few questions about her relationship with Josh. I realised that Josh had not changed at all, in fact, worsened. He still blamed Alicia for every quarrel and called her a good for nothing and he was as controlling as ever. Worse, he would often grab her hair and slapped her a few times across the face. Her intention of contacting me was that she was desperate to get Josh back. She was still madly in love with Josh and she suspected that he was leaving her for another woman. From her, I found out that Josh's godfather had passed away. I checked Alicia's Friendster picture again - pretty, sweet, petite. I told Alicia that I could not help her get Josh back because I was only with Josh for 6 months. I assured her that she needed to regain her self-confidence and that she deserved happiness. I also shared with her my experience and asked her not to lose faith. I wished her all the best.
Almost immediately, I located Josh's contact on my MSN and messaged him to tell him that Alicia messaged me. This was the first time we had contacted each other in five years. I needed to tell him because having understood Josh, he wanted to be in control of everything. He would fly into a rage if he had been in the dark knowing that Alicia had contacted me. I only told him that Alicia loved him very much and hoped to get back with him. Surprisingly he was very cordial and calm. After that contact, we did not contact each other ever again. I also did not know what had happened to him and Alicia.
Every relationship teaches me something. Although my relationship with Josh was very drama mama, I learnt that trust is very important. I did some soul searching and I would not say I was totally not at fault. I learnt that I should take the initiative to explain my male friends (if any) with my partner and should be open about it at the start, not in the middle. Because of Josh's frequent outbursts, I am very good at handling outbursts from anyone. I can remain very calm and this is very useful at work.
I found my husband after a long and winding road. We have our usual arguments but he never made me feel lousy. He does not scream at me and call me names. He does not check my messages. He is very trusting. My husband made me feel that Josh was wrong about me. After that relationship, I did suffer some self doubt for a while even though it was only 6 months of brainwashing. My husband and I do not have any major issues. We enjoy each other and alas, our only difficult challenge is to have a baby! It makes me feel that truly, every relationship has its hurdle. That is LIFE!
I also feel that distrust stems from insecurity. Ever since the tests results revealed that I was the one with problems, I felt very insecure. I too wanted to check my husband's messages and I did and he knew but we both laughed it away. I also felt insecure when he went for lunches with female colleagues because he was in sales and the majority of his team were females. Prior to the tests results, I did not have such insecure thoughts. I did tell him my insecurities issues but he told me that he had faith we would have our own children one day, just not today.
Back to our topic on abusive relationship, that day, it was an article which was the turning point for me. I have searched for a similar article for you.
http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-the-Signs-of-an-Abusive-Man
Be brave and do what you need to do.
SOS number 1800 - 221 - 4444
You are never alone. Other than God, SOS is always ready to listen to you especially if you feel suicidal or trapped.
I am glad you found your now hubby. Together you both will strive against all odds and I am sure you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Infertility is never one person's fault. It is a team effort.
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