Thinking positive, Getting pregnant

It is the time of the month to purge the emotional toxic out of my body.

Today I woke up with 36.4. Almost instantly, I knew that today my period is going to knock on my door because my temp has been above 36.6 for about two weeks. Finally I spotted. Don't get me wrong that I feel sad that my period is coming. I felt quite happy because I have been stuffing myself with antibiotics, panadols, runny nose meds this cycle. If I were to fall pregnant, I would have been worried if my child would be affected. If my period arrives tomorrow, it would be a 36 day cycle. Not too bad for someone who had fallen sick.

For the past two and 8 months, I have been so obsessed with observing my white discharge, temperature and period. I have never paid more attention to it before that. I am not so uptight now as compared to when I first started my route to become a frenzied goggle finder on anything that has to do with fertility and miscarriages. Now, I have mellowed.

Two things and images that I have to purge out of my system. My husband's distant auntie came to visit from Malaysia. She is a mute. When we were waiting alone with her in the lift (we could not squeeze into the same lift with the rest), I had a very strong inking what she was going to ask. Don't ask me why! I have this heightened sense of sensitively whenever someone is going to ask me the dreaded question - Why haven't you have a child? Since this auntie is a mute, I did not hear the question. I saw the question being acted out as if we were playing charades and I was the eager beaver participant who had managed to get it right. She started by caressing an invisible stomach on herself and flipped both palms in the air as if to ask why. I had guessed it. Bingo! Now it was my turn to charade. I pointed to the sky and pointed to my invisible watch. Then I pointed to her and I clasped my hands in a praying posture. I could not tell if she got my meaning but there was a knowing smile so I guessed I wasn't so bad at the game either. I was contemplating if I should scare the shit out of people if they ask in future by keeping totally quiet. I have not tried that. Maybe I should and I need not act nonchalant about it anymore.

I am not angry with the mute auntie! I just feel sad. It is not those depressive sadness. It felt like a chill entering my heart for a fleeting moment. Even if I managed to escape from my childless state, I would have been labelled as a "difficult to conceive" case since it has been five years of marriage. And as of now, I don't even know when I would be able to carry my child in my arms. I tried my best not to entertain the thought that that day might not arrive after all. We would be that sad lonely pair, always envying others talking about their growing children's trivial details and wondering what had gone wrong.

Talking about envy, the other image that I had to purge out was my heavily pregnant friend. They got married in the same year as us and were also on the same frustrating journey. She was the one who was pregnant through IUI in my previous posts. I met her yesterday during a gathering. Her stomach was so huge now. She would be due in November. Usually, I would love to chit chat with her. When I saw her, I felt so jealous that I could not even bring myself to talk to her. I caught up with the rest instead. She shared with us that she had just gone for Pilates. My level of jealousy rose by a notch.

After purging, I shall not be plagued by these images and I shall think positive and not dwell on it so much! Remember I was sharing with you that advice such as "Relax lah. Too stress cannot conceive. Take it easy. Think Positive. Blah blah blah" is useless because I wish with all my bones to think positive but it is so hard so I started researching on the HOWs. Some of the useful and obvious suggestions which we tend not to practise because of sheer laziness or sheer desire to just wallow in self pity.

Let me just TRY!

The suggestion is to stop complaining. If we feel the urge to complain, we should stop ourselves and say something positive instead. Okay, let's try! The mute auntie is being concerned and she would really go home and pray for us! Hooray for one more prayer warrior recruited. Next, yeah, my friend is healthily, heavily and happily pregnant. Woo Hoo! Perserverance pays off! Soon it would be my turn!

The other tip is to stop comparing yourself with others. Some people just have good genes. You are better than them in your own ways and it is just too bad that you are not as fertile as others. So what should we, jealous green monsters, do when we keep hearing our friends getting pregnant and having smooth sailing pregnancies? I have read somewhere that we should VISUALISE holding our healthy baby in our arms with our friends. Tell our minds that we are preparing our bodies now for a healthy baby. Oh my gosh, are we going overboard? No! I read more about visualisation and it can be used as a technique to improve fertility and I would blog about that in the next post.