The cold wind blows

When I woke up in the morning, I took my temperature and realised that it had dipped to 36.6 (look at the graph from the smart app "Fertility Friend"), I felt disappointment creeping into my otherwise, well rested body. Dipping around Day 30 always means an impending period. Yesterday night, by 10pm, my body shut down and I slumped my body on my bed. I realised that it is not the number of hours that matters but the time that you sleep. If I sleep at 12 and wake up at 8, it is not as refreshing as sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6. 

I brushed my teeth and drank water. I sat down on the sofa, still thumping the disappointment down.

"Hey, 36.6 is not that bad. Don't think so much," I consoled myself.

I switched on the fan and the cold wind blew. I took my phone and checked Facebook as if it was my morning devotional material. 

"Ah another friend is expecting and is hinting online," I whispered in my head.

I didn't bother to write my congratulations. Today was the E day - Emo Day. 

They were married later than us but now, they are expecting their second child. There is a Chinese saying that every household has their own problems but I just could not find any loopholes in their otherwise perfect life. Facebook sometimes, has this unintended effect, of making you greener than you already are. I tried my best not to check but curiosity always gets the better of me. It is like a gossip magazine but the characters are your friends.

I also "liked" some celebrities FB pages so I get updates about them too. I was very engaged in reading Xiaxue's latest blog entry regarding her rage against her haters who suspect that Dash, her son, is autistic. I was quite surprised to read that because I had never suspected Dash to be autistic. I suspected that he could be enrolling in gifted classes at Tao Nao when he is Primary 3 because he is really a very smart boy. I enjoy watching his videos so much that my husband would say I am xiao because he is not even my son. Nonetheless, I still feel that as long as Xia Xue is posting videos about Dash online and using him in advertorials, nasty comments like these should be something that she has been preparing for since the day she decides to make Dash to be so high profile in the social media world. We can control our actions but there is no way we could control others. When Dash is older, she has to face a bigger challenge of explaining to him why there are people who say nasty things about him even if he does not know them. I am sure they will manage somehow and I really dislike people making mean comments about innocent kids especially on social media. 

Once again, Xia Xue has managed to distract me from my own pathetic troubles. After checking Facebook updates, I felt an urge to empty my bowels. When I wiped, I saw a dark brown discharge. It was a stamp of confirmation that my period should be arriving and was mocking at my efforts for the past month. Disappointment that has been building up exploded into fragments in my body. I felt cold. Hope has dimmed. I need the warmth of light, the warmth of hope desperately. 

This month is a good cycle, around 30, 31 days. My asthma is getting better. I was not sick. Therefore, I ovulated around Day 16. The most ideal one is Day 14 - average for most women. Instead of following Physician Tan Siew Buoy's advice to do every other day during that crucial period, we skipped a day because that day, I just had no mood for it. I thought to myself, it should not be that day because the temperature was 36.5. I had no idea that the very next day would jump to 36.8. Of course, we don't only have sex during that period, just that, I did not bother to mark them out on other days that were not within this period. Why am I so stupid? Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid...

The Red Lines indicate ovulation after a series of temp plotting.

The last BFF in my clique just announced last week that she was in her second trimester. She too, got married later than us. She has been married for two years. Half of my body did not feel like congratulating her but the other half of my brain forced myself to do so because she was a good friend. 

Why God? Why is it so hard for us? Why does my heart feel cold? When is my child coming? Please give me a lamp to light the way and warm my soul.

I felt particularly down because my mum was found to have a growth in her uterus and she needed to go for surgery and biopsy. She had been very curious why she had not experienced menopause. We asked her if there were any irregular bleeding and her reply was always regular menstrual bleeding so we always thought she just was experiencing late menopause. I hate regret more than disappointment. I wished I had paid more attention when she mentioned her concerns. I wished I had not asked her not to worry. I wished I had forced her to see a gynae regarding her late menopause. 

Oh God! Please let the growth disappear! Please let her be healthy.

I know I have blogged about the importance of thinking positively. It is just so hard to do it today. Just feel like wallowing in endless TVB dramas. Please leave a comment if you know of any good Korean or TVB dramas. For my readers' sake, I shall try.

"At least, this month I am healthy and have a normal cycle. I managed to ovulate on Day 16 with lotsa visualisation in my head. It worked! It is okay! I have one more month to be healthier! At least the growth in my mum's womb was detected and now we could do something about it! Don't entertain the worst! She would be healthier than ever by getting rid of this thing!" I rehearsed these thoughts obediently in my head.

Am I feeling better? No. The cold wind blows.