Can't sleep ...
Nothing special, just can't sleep and fantasying all sorts of scenarios that would take me away from my current situation. Why the fish I just can't be zen and feel contented? I am listening to Jay Chou sappy emo songs and drowning myself in his murmuring sorrowful melody. Why the fish I allow this single desire to dominate my life? After I have returned to work, I told myself I would not do that and I really managed to do it! I looked forward to work and focus on helping others. And yet after one round, I still find myself back to where I was - a place where I have to do so much self comforting to manage.
Jay chou songs are bad. They transport you to the past and makes you think what would have happened if I had been with so and so and so and so... My ex was not keen on kids. That was one of the reasons why we broke off. One of only.. cos he has his own serious issues and I have my own issues. Although the pressure would be off since he is not keen, I don't think I would be happy. What if I had ended up with another guy I knew from pub (not really pub, it is a posh drinking place) but we never really got together because he is one of those guys with commitment issues but kept giving people mixed signals, we remain as close friends until I got married? Commitment issues guys wouldn't be so keen on kids right... What if I was together with my ex from uni? He was okay with kids but not super keen but we have a different faith? I wouldn't be happy either...
Just thinking about my husband brings tears to my eyes. He is such a good, understanding, wholesome guy who is so keen to start a family. You can retrace my earlier posts. When he appeared out of nowhere, he was like a gift in a box tied up with ribbons. It was a relatively smooth relationship. Oh goodness, never did I expect our marriage to be constantly challenged by issues beyond my control. I am so convinced this is my fault. Me and my abnormal eggs. I always feel so sorry for him that he has chosen me. Tears are already streaming down my face like a waterfall. My in laws are like the perfect in laws. Never nagging us to have kids. Very supportive... My father in law even app me some video and asked me to cheer up. I wanted so much to give their family a kid but I just cannot. And I don't know how.
Wo bu gan xin. Wo hen shang xin.
The tears have stopped. How long more do I have to feel my cheeks wet?
If you are a normal person and you happened to chance upon what I write, chances are you wouldn't get it. You probably think I am so drama and so emo ... Because I did not start out as a person who was desperate to have a healthy child. I started out as a person who takes things as they come. The losses are just too painful that I just want to start over but the cycle is not broken. I always feel I must have done something bad and this is retribution time.
Last week, I was boiling some vinegar with pork belly (NTUC doesn't sell trotters). I started brewing at noon and I put in a lot of effort. I only drank a small portion for tasting. In the evening, I reheated it. When I was reheating it, the doorbell rang. My sis and her BF paid a surprise visit. I forgot about my reheating until I smelt something funny. When I opened the lid, to my dismay, the vinegar has dried up and a small part of it has been burnt. Instinctively, I poured water into it. I tasted it. It has a burnt taste. My emotions just snapped. I started thrashing the rest of whatever was left with the ladle. The vinegar spilled onto the kitchen table top and onto the walls. My sister rushed into the kitchen and started to clean after me.
"I put in so much effort. It is all gone," I kept muttering while breaking out in huge sobs.
"Please, can you help me buy some pork belly and ginger? And I want to be alone for a while. I just want to start all over," I pleaded with my sister.
But she just told her BF to buy.
"Are you sure it cannot be salvaged?" She queried.
I poured the vinegar into another big bowl and added some new vinegar to it. Amazingly, it did not have a bitter taste and it had the oomph (fragrance), which was missing previously.
I told my sis that when the vinegar burnt, it just reminded me of the past one and a half year of eating TCM, but now it is all gone. Every time, it is gone, I cannot wait to start over. My sis hugged me and we both had a huge cry. When BF came back, I apologised to him that I just lost it. He sheepishly smiled, handed us the pork belly and ginger.
Maybe, there isn't any need to start over. Maybe what I have done is more than enough. Maybe ...
Jay chou songs are bad. They transport you to the past and makes you think what would have happened if I had been with so and so and so and so... My ex was not keen on kids. That was one of the reasons why we broke off. One of only.. cos he has his own serious issues and I have my own issues. Although the pressure would be off since he is not keen, I don't think I would be happy. What if I had ended up with another guy I knew from pub (not really pub, it is a posh drinking place) but we never really got together because he is one of those guys with commitment issues but kept giving people mixed signals, we remain as close friends until I got married? Commitment issues guys wouldn't be so keen on kids right... What if I was together with my ex from uni? He was okay with kids but not super keen but we have a different faith? I wouldn't be happy either...
Just thinking about my husband brings tears to my eyes. He is such a good, understanding, wholesome guy who is so keen to start a family. You can retrace my earlier posts. When he appeared out of nowhere, he was like a gift in a box tied up with ribbons. It was a relatively smooth relationship. Oh goodness, never did I expect our marriage to be constantly challenged by issues beyond my control. I am so convinced this is my fault. Me and my abnormal eggs. I always feel so sorry for him that he has chosen me. Tears are already streaming down my face like a waterfall. My in laws are like the perfect in laws. Never nagging us to have kids. Very supportive... My father in law even app me some video and asked me to cheer up. I wanted so much to give their family a kid but I just cannot. And I don't know how.
Wo bu gan xin. Wo hen shang xin.
The tears have stopped. How long more do I have to feel my cheeks wet?
If you are a normal person and you happened to chance upon what I write, chances are you wouldn't get it. You probably think I am so drama and so emo ... Because I did not start out as a person who was desperate to have a healthy child. I started out as a person who takes things as they come. The losses are just too painful that I just want to start over but the cycle is not broken. I always feel I must have done something bad and this is retribution time.
Last week, I was boiling some vinegar with pork belly (NTUC doesn't sell trotters). I started brewing at noon and I put in a lot of effort. I only drank a small portion for tasting. In the evening, I reheated it. When I was reheating it, the doorbell rang. My sis and her BF paid a surprise visit. I forgot about my reheating until I smelt something funny. When I opened the lid, to my dismay, the vinegar has dried up and a small part of it has been burnt. Instinctively, I poured water into it. I tasted it. It has a burnt taste. My emotions just snapped. I started thrashing the rest of whatever was left with the ladle. The vinegar spilled onto the kitchen table top and onto the walls. My sister rushed into the kitchen and started to clean after me.
"I put in so much effort. It is all gone," I kept muttering while breaking out in huge sobs.
"Please, can you help me buy some pork belly and ginger? And I want to be alone for a while. I just want to start all over," I pleaded with my sister.
But she just told her BF to buy.
"Are you sure it cannot be salvaged?" She queried.
I poured the vinegar into another big bowl and added some new vinegar to it. Amazingly, it did not have a bitter taste and it had the oomph (fragrance), which was missing previously.
I told my sis that when the vinegar burnt, it just reminded me of the past one and a half year of eating TCM, but now it is all gone. Every time, it is gone, I cannot wait to start over. My sis hugged me and we both had a huge cry. When BF came back, I apologised to him that I just lost it. He sheepishly smiled, handed us the pork belly and ginger.
Maybe, there isn't any need to start over. Maybe what I have done is more than enough. Maybe ...
We need that outburst to let it all out to feel better. You know I did not shed a single tear ever since I know pregnancy is gone and I am kind of worried there something wrong with me. Is not that I am not sad, I mean who wouldn't be sad unless the person do not want a baby. I am very sad but yet I cannot cry until one day I have a bad dream and I woke up crying very loudly. My hubby was shocked and asked what happened. Maybe I bottled up too much and I really feel better after I cried.
ReplyDeleteLol, my reply from another post is meant for this comment. I am just guessing maybe u r having mixed feelings like I am? Because I used to think I cannot develop a pregnancy. But this time round, the baby was actually growing on track with heartbeat seen and heard. A tiny part of me feels comforted that I could finally develop a pregnancy in the midst of disappointment.
DeleteIndeed. I am kind of relieved that I can be preg even though it is short lived. I can't complain cos afterall I am the one who pray for at least some kind of inplantation n so my wish is granted. Sigh....maybe now it boost my confidence a little and as long as I try harder and don't give up, one day I can make it.
DeleteI don't know where you managed to get all that determination and inner strength from... God, please hear Jumbo cries and see her sincerity!
DeleteCheer up! Im a silent reader of ur blog.. i loves readin ur blog till one day u seldom blog and i suspected that u might bfp.. was happy to know that u r but teared when u blogged dwn wat had happened.
ReplyDeleteI believed things happened for a reason.
M happy that u r in gd hands with tsb.. thou i only seen her for 3times.. happy u r comfortable with her.
take this 3mths to tiao ur body n get ready for a new challenge ahead.
me too myself is trying to get my bfp. I will nt give up thou spending on fertility costs alot. We dun try we nv know rite. I blamed myself for not able to ovulate but i accepted it cos is not my fault. Look forward and im sure u n me will get our rainbow baby soon.
jiayou!! :)
Arrow might not be visiting tsb because currently I have strange thoughts like - ren dou bu Guo tian yi. I didn't visit her after what has happened although she did ask me to..
DeleteHi Hope, chanced upon your website today and read most of your posts which I share similar feelings about. Just to introduce myself, I have been married for 4+ years now and only ttc after 2 years into the marriage when I was 35 years old. It was a journey fraught with disappointment and lack of success, as I had suspected it might be due to my extremely painful periods since young. I was referred first by the Chinese sinseh from Ying Chuan to fertility specialist Christopher Chen (Gleneagles) who diagnosed me with Adenomyosis judging from my enlarged uterus during US and little else. I supposedly had an introverted uterus as well. Not good news at all. Of course like you, he recommended me laparoscopy as a treatment but I hesitated and din go for it due to the high cost involved and also, I had the feeling that it is all just business to him with his shoddy attitude. I felt quite depressed with his diagnosis but went back to the sinseh who subsequently recommended me to Dr Fong Yang whom I went through an IUI with after a dose of Clomid. But before the IUI, he tried to temporarily shrink my uterus with Lupron injections over a period of 3 months which temporarily halted my period. The IUI din work but to be fair to him, my husband was located overseas at that time and it was difficult logistically so we had to use frozen sperm. We stopped all the treatment for at least half a year, including not seeing the sinseh as we felt a bit tired from the doc visits and did not want to push it too much. Surprisingly, I fell pregnant almost a year after ttc seriously, all without any help. I din even know I was preggie until at my 8th week because I just dun even bother to keep track anymore and thought it strange that I had a brief bleeding just before my menses was due to come. But by the time I discovered that BFP and did the US with Dr Fong, we realise that there was no heartbeat in the fetus and it had stopped growing at 6th week. We went back after a week with HCG tests done and he confirmed with us that the pregnancy was not viable. At the same time, I experienced terrible cramping in my womb as if it was trying to purge the tissues out but it did not happen. I could not sustain the torture of waiting for the inevitable to happen - knowing I was carrying a dead bb and also I was afraid a prolonged missed miscarriage could cause infection to the body so I did a D&C very soon after. It was a terrifying experience to lose the pregnancy even though it was quite early so I do feel for you from the depth of my heart. Having a child was never really a priority for myself, more for my husband who had lost his mom since young and I wanted to give him a family but after experiencing the loss, I have never ever felt a greater desperation than now. So I quitted my job about a year ago and moved to where my husband works, hoping to have a higher chance of conception but it is quite uncanny that I have not been able to conceive since, despite the change in my diet to a healthier one and some exercise as well as taking chinese herbs etc. In fact, after the D&C, I felt that something has changed in my system somewhat - I am starting to feel ovulation pain mid-cycle and I have premenstrual cramps for almost 1.5 weeks before the menses are due. It has been a very exhausting journey so far and I think what was painful was really the first loss of pregnancy and knowing I want to have it again. For me, even if this journey leads to nowhere, at least I know that I have tried and failed and will try again. Hope, I totally understand your despair at this point and it may sound cliche but dun lose hope yet.
ReplyDeleteHello Raine, through your effort in writing the post, I can feel the similar route that we shared. The stupid tideous steps we have done and including giving up our job and arriving at a point of desperation. I am scared. The more I want, the worse the outcome. I went to Singapore motherhood with many support groups. One of the groups is Stillborns which is even sadder because they lost their babies in the last trimester. I have lost the courage to hope. After 12 week scan, there is still 22 week scan... So scary... This is the 6th year of my marriage. I have not decided what else I can do. I don't even dare to pray to be honest. If u Have read my earlier post, I prayed online for life to enter my womb. Life has entered... Strong and steady..growing on track with heartbeat but we did not have the courage to accept this life. I am not sure when I would stop feeling like a sinner but I know we would always arrive at the same decision even if we were to relive the moment of decision. To some people, I don't even have the courage to mention Down S. I only say abnormal chromosomes with major defects because of the cystic hygroma, actually prof only say suspected major defects. I have been asked questions like am I sure the baby has no chance of survival? Would I regret and also people who said that they didn't go for any testing because they wanted to keep the baby no matter what- this is the group that I despise the most because they usually say,'thank God baby was so healthy in the end". From the bottom of my heart, I really respect those parents who decided to keep the child KNOWING that the child would possibly be very abnormal with major defects. I do not know where u find that courage.
ReplyDeleteThe other day, I saw a woman with DS at NtUc. She looked DS but strong and sturdy. I fled the supermarket in tears.
Prof did not say my baby was going to die. He said, "baby has DS with possible major defects. Have u come to a decision?"
Hiya again Hope, I read with sadness your struggle with having to decide whether you should keep or abandon what you have been wishing for all this time. I can imagine it would have been really a tough decision to make, given what you have gone through - so many times your dreams being shattered ruthlessly and people simply won't understand. You should not be too hard on yourself on your final choice, because most people in your shoes would make exactly the same decision. I have asked a couple of my close friends before what if their unborn child could possibly have DS. One straight away told me she would have no hesitation about terminating it and the other replied if there is even a remote chance of it, she would do the same. A lot of busybodies like to chip in their unwanted opinion about such decisions but they are just not in your shoes. Who are they to judge or make any unwarranted comments? A journey with a Down Syndrome child is truly not for the faint-hearted, involving sacrifices most would never dream of or ready to make. Most people would choose not to take the journey at all, whether they so desperately want a kid or otherwise. So try not to look back on your decision and start blaming yourself.
ReplyDeleteMost importantly, pls take care of your body and take some time to heal physically and mentally. This blog is really a good way to let out your pent up emotions that you may feel but it also binds like-minded people like myself and many others who can understand what it is like to go through phases of hopes and losses in the journey of seeking motherhood. I also have fearful thoughts of my efforts amounting to nothing in the end but I believe there is always a purpose in making this journey that seems to be more arduous than we anticipated. I think our husbands will love us more somehow for wanting to make that effort and even if this journey takes us to a destination that we did not anticipate, at least we are not doing it ourselves and at least we know that we are doing it for someone who is definitely worth it.
hi hi... thanks for your comforting words. Truly, online is one of unexpected rare places I could find solace among my unfortunate comrades... sometimes it does take its toll on the marriage ... Surprisingly, I feel very lonely.
DeletePerhaps at this point, your husband may be too overwhelmed by the event to be able to offer you the support that you need. I remember how distraught I was after my depressive scan results and my husband was not able to understand or know how to comfort me. But in the end I realise that my swinging hormones facing a drastic drop had a part in my negative emotions and thinking the worst of everything including my marriage. But actually my husband cared more about me being hurt than whether we really have kids or not. So it is not that your husband dun share your desire to have a family anymore or care about your sense of loss but as a man he kind of see the entire experience as a path of agony that may lead you both to more pain.
ReplyDeletePls hang in there. I still believe there is always a reason for everything that has happened no matter how bad it may seem at the time.