The finality of my emotions

It all started with me reading "The Brightest Star in the Sky" by Marian Keyes. The baby spirit was in a block of apartments choosing which couple it wants to be its parents. It observes the vibrations from their heart and the love they feel for each other. Curious, I went to research on baby spirit and heart vibrations. It turned out that this stemmed from psychics' readings about soul lessons and babies choosing their parents to fulfil some life lessons. This is one way to explain a verse in the bible in which God said that He knew us before we were even formed in the wombs.

After reading about heart vibrations, I felt like I was jolted awake from a long nightmare - the past few years of TTC seemed like a horrifying nightmare. I think I have finally reached my saturation point - don't think I want to try anymore. The thought of being pregnant, labour and days of taking care of a child suddenly seemed very undesirable.

So why would I suddenly think this way? The heart vibrations theory made me examine my marriage. Are our heart vibrations so in sync that the baby spirits would choose us? No, I do not think so. I went back all the way to when I first got married. Still No. From the start, every day after work, we eat dinner and watch TV, hardly exchanging any words.  Saturdays, we go to the movies because he enjoys only movies or ask his friends to play mahjong at our house. Sunday, we spent it visiting parents. There was not a single day for connections. During outings, he enjoys walking ahead of me despite me telling him to wait for me. He does not like to hold my hand. There was once he commented that I could catch up with him instead. Now, I have lost all interest for TV. So he watches TV outside and I did my stuff in the room. I was very lonely. I got a dog. It filled up the void temporarily. I wanted a child to fill up the void but no luck with that either.

The change happened immediately after our wedding.

All these got me thinking if we are even ready to have a child? Would having a child increase the loneliness instead?

Please do not be mistaken that he is not a nice husband. He takes care of me when I am sick. He takes care of the dog despite being an animal hater. He buys a lot of things for me.

All the above about heart vibrations do not matter so much to The final straw - It was a question I posed to him. His answer shocked me and shattered me thoroughly. It was like the last candle light has just gone out in my heart. I was comforting myself as usual one day, thinking "it was better having a peaceful marriage without kids than a terrible marriage whereby you hate your spouse but you have kids." So I decided to ask him, "Do you think it is better to have no kids but your marriage is very wonderful or have kids but you hate your spouse?" I thought that he would definitely choose to have a wonderful marriage with no kids but NO, he chose to have a spouse he hates but with kids. When I asked him why, he said at least he can play with the kids, nvm the spouse. I was so shocked into sadness that I cried for many days silently until I came across the book by Marian Keyes on heart vibrations.

What should I do?

Actually, I am emotionally a lot better. With these new thoughts, I no longer cringe when I see photos of babies on Facebook. I no longer feel any ache. I feel very happy at work every day! I look forward to exercising. I look forward to a new me!

Therefore, I am going to change the title of this blog and leaving this horrible nightmare and finally start living the LIFE that I should be living! I am still thinking how I should rename this blog.


Comments

  1. Anonymous4 June 2015 at 23:58

    UAP here...
    Hugs to you... Go on and live a life that you truly want. Life is too short to be spent on things that your heart don't desire.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gillian5 June 2015 at 02:22

    Hello dear,

    While I am glad to hear that you are emotionally a lot better, I'm really sorry and sad to know that your husband would choose the latter. Perhaps to him, having a nice spouse like you is already a given and hence he simply feels having kids suddenly seems more important. Some men cannot appreciate what they already have but are always looking for what they desire and do not have.

    I'm glad to hear that you're going to live a life you truly want and yes, I fully support you on this! Sometimes, we shouldn't live a life simply because it is the "normal" or "routine" life that most lead. Maybe we are just meant for greater things.

    Wishing you all the best, and I really hope to be able to continue reading your updates.

    Take care!

    Best wishes,
    Gillian

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown5 June 2015 at 06:09

    Actually shortly after writing this post, I had a long talk with him. Ha ha he vehemently denied ever choosing the second option and said I heard wrongly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous7 June 2015 at 20:55

    UAP here.
    Sometimes, I think men never listen properly before they answered our questions... Happens to my husband too. So maybe it is true that your husband still prefers having a wonderful spouse, like you. :) No matter what, I still hope you choose to live your life happily and together, you and your husband can conquer whatever obstacles together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown24 June 2015 at 07:24

      Wah u two are so optimistic!!! I just thought he had forgotten what he said.

      Delete
  5. Gillian7 June 2015 at 21:39

    That is good to know! And yes, I agree fully with UAP. :)

    ReplyDelete

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