Hypersensitive Nutcase

I need to write because I am bursting with strange green thoughts again. This has been such a green week. I met up with my three old friends to celebrate birthdays, including the one who lamented she is pregnant and she is afraid the baby would interfere with her lifestyle. All of them have kids. After asking me how my mom was, they launched immediately into pregnancy related topics and kids topics. No one bothered to talk about work anymore. No bothered to catch up on the latest updates of our school friends. No one bothered to talk about shopping. No one bothered to talk about TV shows. Because of kids, everyone has moved on except me. I tried a feeble attempt to talk about something else but it was replied with a liner and almost immediately, they went back to their usual topics. ARE THEY INSENSITIVE OR AM I A HYPERSENSITIVE NUTCASE?

Them came weekend. Another school friend organised a Christmas party and invited 8 of us to her place, with family and all. 4 of them have kids; 1 pregnant; 1 single, 1 married and childless (me). I was hesitant in going because I was afraid my mom might be feeling uncomfortable because of the radiotherapy since she started her first session this week. Thank God she is fine and I thought I could go so I took part in the Whatspp group chat as it was a potluck. When one of the friends thanked the host for organising and said that she was a good planner, she said she was organising this party so that THE KIDS COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO GATHER! I don't know what was wrong with me because I took offence. U mean it was not for friends to gather and catch up but the main highlight was for the kids to gather? I DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS TO GATHER WITH YOUR KIDS. Just as I was having these strange green thoughts, my husband told me that he going to have his wisdom tooth extracted. Usually, I would be pissed because once again, he had forgotten what I have told him -there was a christmas gathering over the weekend. He nicely asked if I wanted him to postpone to Monday but I said NO unless he die die wants to go party. A huge relief swept over my being - yeah, I have a very legitimate reason to not turn up for the party. On the day of the party, the host suddenly whatsapp the group and said that she was not feeling well and if any of the party goers could pick up the food on her behalf. I have this inkling that she could be pregnant. Nowadays whenever people say not feeling well, it is usually a code word for "Yo btw I am pregnant. Please ask me if I am and  congratulate me." One of them offered to pick up the food but nobody asked if she was pregnant. Okay fine, maybe I am hypersensitive. On the very night, the friend who was single, decided to fly them aeroplane. She app them that she had to work overtime on a Saturday so she could not turn up. Phew! Thank God I did not go. The next day, I checked my phone and wow so many messages from the group and most of them were thanking the host for hosting the party and talking about how happy their kids were through playing with each other blah blah blah. The last message was a bingo!

The host told one of the friend to tell her kid that she was not fatter but she was three months plus pregnant! SEE SEE SEE SEE SEE I wasn't being hypersensitive about not feeling well being a code word for I am pregnant. I am especially envious because she was one of those friends who used to be in the same clique as me. No one wants to be in this clique. This is the IWTBP clique - I Want To BE Pregnant. She was married for five years and she had to undergo some surgery. In the end, she took clomid and was pregnant under Dr Loh. We used to exchange messages and encouraged each other. After she had graduated from the IWTBP clique, she went to the MUMMIES group and we drifted apart. I understand why we drifted apart. What else can she say to me? "I am so happy with my girl!" After having her girl, I counted mentally, she was pregnant so quickly! We went to her girl 1st birthday this year and she is now more than three months pregnant! Wow What a dream every wanamum has! No more stupid fertility woes!

I am a nice person. I know deep down in my heart is a place of feeling happy for my friend. It is just masked by layers of insecurity, fears and anxiety. I cannot accept another failure. I am scared.

I tried rereading Sophie Kinselle books to take my mind off these stupid thoughts but it was no use. I went to my keyboard and played this song.

You are the peace that guards my heart
My help in time of need
You are the hope that leads me on
And brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting
And there I find release
So with all my heart I worship
And unto You I sing
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, I worship and adore You
Father, I long to see Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, I love You
And I worship You this day
This is th link to the song. I like it very much. I have posted the version from City Harvest Church. I am not from CHC but I sincerely hope the best whatever the outcome of the trial. I do not know the truth and I cannot prove the existence of many things but I do know that without my christian faith, I might be taking depressants now. I only know that faith in Jesus can cause a person to turn around in any situation. I only know that any time I need help, I can pray directly to God anytime any place because Jesus's blood has cleansed me so that I could pray to God whenever I am down. Enjoy! Be blessed.

Comments

  1. Just Me14 December 2014 at 15:47

    Hi There,

    Just wanted to stop by and tell you that I am experiencing these exact same things right now. I think it is hard not to be an emotional wreck when we see so many others are seemingly living the life we want. Currently, I don't have a single friend who isn't pregnant or has kids - and that isn't an exaggeration. It is hard to constantly see something you want so badly happen to people all around you and yet have no idea if you will ever get to join in. I will pray for you as you navigate through this. I just hope you know you aren't the only one, I know sometimes that helps me!

    -Alissa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown23 December 2014 at 06:30

      Hi Alissa, a secret relief that I am not alone. I have sworn off western intervention for one and a half years. Sometimes such thoughts creep up on me and makes me anxious that time is ticking and ticking and ticking. But more and more people are getting pregnant in their 40s. My neighbour!

      Delete
  2. asecondchance15 December 2014 at 05:39

    I totally agree on mummy friends chat about nothing else but their child…from food, to childcare, to playmates to their behavior. Nothing else matters anymore cos their life is surrounded by kids. It is hard to get into their world. Even though I casually chat or try to join in their mummy topics but somehow it felt so distant and makes me wonder why I go for gathering when we can't even click. So you are definitely not hypersensitive nutcase.

    I feel your insecurity. I don't know if you have the same feelings as me but I don't want to be left alone and be an outcast among my ttc friends but yet deep down I know things will change and I have to be strong to face it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. asecondchance15 December 2014 at 05:54

    It's not an easy journey for your mum and I hope she feels better soon. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown23 December 2014 at 06:25

      Thank you! My mom has been declared cancer free! Thank God for answered prayers and all those who have been praying!

      Delete
  4. Unknown23 December 2014 at 06:27

    Yah sometimes people move on because they change with life phases. Boh bian.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TCM Physician Tan Siew Buoy 陈秋梅 - What is she like?

I saw many visitors on Dr Tan's posts. In fact, it is my most popular post. I shall do a detailed post of what a visit to her clinic is and I hope that this would benefit you if you are considering to consult her. First of all, the address in Chinatown - Health and Beauty Pte Ltd 康得美 38 Upper Cross Street, Singapore 058341, Singapore 6534 4137 Two days ago, I received a call from her clinic. They would always do a reminder before the appointment. I went to Chinatown and managed to find a lot. Her clinic is situated within a large Chinese Medical Hall called Health and Beauty - Kang De Mei. I tore out a coupon of an hour as the car park attendant is rather active in that area. I will always park along Mosque Street. I walked along the row of shops and reported to the receptionist. The lady would ask for my number (every patient has a number) and write my name on a piece of paper. She would then place the paper according to the sequence of appointed time with the other...
Read more

TCM Physician Tan Lee Kee of Ying Chuan Chinese Medical Hall in Jurong

I was growing increasingly impatient with Dr Tan Kian Sing for reasons stated below. Once again, just like Dr Ang Mui Choo's prescription, I experienced no improvement in my health and cycles. I was still ovulating late and my BBTs were not ideal.  It was dubious that the prescription would be the same for every woman. I thought the best part of TCM was that the doctor could prescribe individual medication according to the body's constitution? I got increasingly uneasy over eating tablets that were unnamed, let alone regulated. I was okay with eating herbs but I really had no trust in those tablets.  Dr Tan's prediction of my ovulation was not very accurate. I hated the long waiting time at the waiting area. I disliked sachets of powdered instant herbs mixture. They were awful to drink to the point of gagging at times. I also read bad reviews of instant herbs mixture online. Furthermore, those sachets were made in China and recently, there were so much bad press abo...
Read more

Prof Arijit Biswas highly skilled in high risk pregnancies

I first heard of NUH through my BFF. During her first pregnancy, she was six months pregnant and her gynae in Thomson Medical Centre discovered that her baby's head growth was abnormal and they could not detect the reason. Her gynae referred her to Prof Biswas and said that he was one of the best doctors to deal with complicated pregnancies and he was experienced with doing foetal blood sampling. Prof Biswas was the one who suspected that the baby could have Thalassemia. True enough, the baby had it and it was major type, meaning, it would be stillborn even if she had carried him to term. They had no choice but to remove her baby. She and her husband would always have one in four chance that the baby would be a stillbirth. Her second pregnancy also ended up having an abortion due to the same reason. She shouldered on and conceived a third time. By now, she was Prof Biswas's patient. During her 27 week, she had contractions and was warded. She was labeled as preterm danger. ...
Read more