A Lighter Me - Letting Go
It has been a month since I last post. The reason was - I have been EXPOSED! Remember how I blogged about not wanting people to know my identify cos that would affect my writing? Well, recently, I caught up with a friend whom I have not met for ages. She asked me point blank, "Do you happen to be writing a blog?" because the happenings in my life mirrored the blog she has come across.
I have two options. Option 1 - Lie Option 2 - Admit.
I chose Option 1 in 3 seconds. 3 seconds seemed like an eternity then cos I was very reluctant to come clean but she shared so much and so freely with me about what she is going through. How can I repay her transparency with Option 1? Sigh.
When we parted, I made a feeble attempt and asked her to keep it to herself the identity of the blogger of this blog.
It bothered me. And I realised why. I blogged in the first place because I knew that very few Singaporeans blog about pregnancy losses. Mostly private ones. I wanted to let people out there know that in this tiny Red Dot, they are not alone having strange pathetic thoughts because I have been so comforted by overseas bloggers. But it is a totally different story if your FRIENDS know your blog. I do not want my friends to FEEL SORRY for me, to worry about me, and feel bad about themselves for not having reached out to me or having said or did something which made me sad.
What should I do? Should I close this blog down? What should I be writing in future? How much truth should I reveal? Urgh ... And so... I stopped writing for a month.
I do not have the answers to those rhetoric questions but one thing for sure, I am going to change the address of the blog. Not because I am trying to escape but because I no longer want this space to be a fertility blog. I have not changed because I am afraid my regular readers cannot find me. I am going to rename it findingsophiec because I am just not so creative and atas to think of some classier name.
I named this post "A Lighter Me" because I really managed to continue to start afresh. I went out to chill with a bunch of female colleagues and laughed ourselves silly discussing about the males colleagues. I am more open to socialising and expanding my social circle nowadays. Make new friends! We are never too old to do that!
Secondly, work has been smooth. No small people to poke your back. No last minute projects.
Ultimately, I feel that the most important reason why I managed to keep sane is EXERCISE! Exercise will give you a new mindset. If you are sad, go for a run. The endorphins that course through your body after a good workout will drive out all those heavy emotions and leave you feeling lighter.
On the weighing scale, I am still the same. Shucks!
I have two options. Option 1 - Lie Option 2 - Admit.
I chose Option 1 in 3 seconds. 3 seconds seemed like an eternity then cos I was very reluctant to come clean but she shared so much and so freely with me about what she is going through. How can I repay her transparency with Option 1? Sigh.
When we parted, I made a feeble attempt and asked her to keep it to herself the identity of the blogger of this blog.
It bothered me. And I realised why. I blogged in the first place because I knew that very few Singaporeans blog about pregnancy losses. Mostly private ones. I wanted to let people out there know that in this tiny Red Dot, they are not alone having strange pathetic thoughts because I have been so comforted by overseas bloggers. But it is a totally different story if your FRIENDS know your blog. I do not want my friends to FEEL SORRY for me, to worry about me, and feel bad about themselves for not having reached out to me or having said or did something which made me sad.
What should I do? Should I close this blog down? What should I be writing in future? How much truth should I reveal? Urgh ... And so... I stopped writing for a month.
I do not have the answers to those rhetoric questions but one thing for sure, I am going to change the address of the blog. Not because I am trying to escape but because I no longer want this space to be a fertility blog. I have not changed because I am afraid my regular readers cannot find me. I am going to rename it findingsophiec because I am just not so creative and atas to think of some classier name.
I named this post "A Lighter Me" because I really managed to continue to start afresh. I went out to chill with a bunch of female colleagues and laughed ourselves silly discussing about the males colleagues. I am more open to socialising and expanding my social circle nowadays. Make new friends! We are never too old to do that!
Secondly, work has been smooth. No small people to poke your back. No last minute projects.
Ultimately, I feel that the most important reason why I managed to keep sane is EXERCISE! Exercise will give you a new mindset. If you are sad, go for a run. The endorphins that course through your body after a good workout will drive out all those heavy emotions and leave you feeling lighter.
On the weighing scale, I am still the same. Shucks!
Hi Sophie, I got to know abt your blog from the motherhood forum. After reading I found that we share many of the same experiences. I lost my baby at 13 weeks in March. Her HB was strong for the 3x I saw but it quietly stopped without me knowing one day. We only found out at a routine check. I also has to deliver her thru induced labour. I didn't dare look at her for fear of planting her image in my head forever and making it terribly hard to let go. My girl had a thick NT though the harmony test was fine so I didn't worry much and prayed it'll reduce by the next check. But I guess I am not blessed to be. I also blamed myself blamed my lousy body and suspect I have bad eggs. Good to know you're coping better now. I am okay physically and emotionally now. Trying again but not sure of the future.. Even if I do conceive again it does not mean anything. Feel so helpless and can only pray everyday.
ReplyDeleteHi Princess! I am not sure why but maybe it is a heart defect cos two of my friends with thick NT but tested negative for DS have kids with heart defects. It is indeed a miracle to produce a healthy baby. I am coping better but sometimes some days, I do feel that I am back to square one. Yesterday night, I cried again. Every pregnancy brings new dreams new hope, stay strong!
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