I wana be happy

I just returned from KKH after visiting my Mom. She has been warded for 10 days for removing her uterus with the growth and her lymph nodes. It has been one hell of a journey. For the first 9 days, she was freaking out and frail and in pain while being hooked up to various tubes. She was scared and nice. Today she got better and returned to her usual antsy self, berating at my tired father and to the rest of us, very rude and unappreciative of our daily visits. I was tired, disappointed and sad.
During her terrible ordeal of receiving news of her cancer, enduring the operation and subsequently ileus, she accepted Christ. How do you accept Christ? Basically, you just have to say a simple prayer. I will write a post on how to receive Christ. How to receive Christ? She prayed to God every time she felt fear and during her hospital stay, she prayed for God to help her out of difficult situations. We are still unsure if she need further treatment like chemotherapy. The doctor mentioned that her cancer is the aggressive type so they have to use aggressive methods. Of course, I am praying that she would not have to go through the pain.

My trips to KKH also opened my eyes to their hospital rooms for new mothers. It is on the 8 floor and super impressive. Looks nicer than Thomson and NUH! A pity that I do not know of any good specialists that would look into pregnancy losses there. The kopi tiam is delicious and the parking is reasonably capped at $12.
Just the other day, I saw some wedding photos posted by my friend on Facebook. I was transported back to the days when I was preparing for my marriage and finally, my wedding day. Everyone was so happy and radiated joy. I was so happy. That was around five six years ago. I had not been so happy for a long time. Not long after, I experienced what I thought would only happen in magazines and health programmes - miscarriage one after another. Each one took some months to get over. I took a break from work and developed asthma. When my asthma is getting better and I could get back to my making baby plans, my mom contracted something that we wished would never happen to us - cancer. I do not want to lie to you - I really have not been that happy for a long long time. Life is very hard. I am a wimp. And I do not know when I would experience such highs again.
I shut my eyes and recollected my life. I was very happy during Primary school. I was very happy during secondary school. I was very unhappy at home though because I was a rebellious kid and my parents quarrelled a lot. I received Christ at 14. I was super happy after that. During JC, I had a blasting time enjoying the great outdoors. During uni, I enjoyed my hostel life to the fullest. I had a great relationship with a boy I met during hostel but we broke up. After that, I spent some time waiting for Mr Right but life was still okay. Now, I realise why some women despite having cosmetics procedures, still looked old because their eyes betrayed them. I suspect this ordeal I am facing would age and dull the sparkle in my eyes. At the same time, I can't help thinking - it is time for me to experience some real hardships and grief. Life is not hard, just fair. Maybe everyone will have their fair share of hardships at one point or another, if not now but surely later.
Writing this entry has helped me calm down. Perhaps I should have been more tolerant. But what is done cannot be undone. I still feel a heaviness settle in my heart... Should I sleep it away? My body is protesting silently. My eyes are heavy. I wana be happy.

Comments

  1. Anonymous26 October 2014 at 20:46

    Hi,
    I am glad you are back on blog. Have been checking you blog regularly and hoping you are feeling better now. I hope you mum recovers soon too.
    I sincerely wish you the strength to go through this dark period and that light and happiness will enter your life soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown27 October 2014 at 21:33

    Yo! Yeah I shut down for a while and it touched me so much that you are concerned about me somewhere in this cyberspace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous28 October 2014 at 23:44

      Yup! I have always been checking back on your blog. We all need to 'shut down' ourselves once in a while! Glad to know you are back. :)

      Delete
  3. Anonymous28 October 2014 at 08:31

    Don't despair. My mum had gynae cancer too. I also had uterine growth at a young age. Tried for a few years to get pregnant. Finally decided to go for a surgery to remove the growth. Got pregnant very soon after the surgery. Instead of seeing an obstetrician who delivers babies, I think it's better to see a doctor who is a specialist in handling cysts and other growth. My obstetrician is a nice guy but I think the cases he sees are mostly people with normal wombs and ovaries so he might have missed out on the main cause. I saw him many times but he told me the growth ok and no problem even though it was actually the cause.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Unknown28 October 2014 at 21:44

    Hi! Oh you mean you remove your growth with another gynae?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unknown28 October 2014 at 21:58

    I am happy u solved your problem!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5 November 2014 at 02:22

      Yes, I went to another gynae for the growth removal. But seeing the same obstetrician for my pregnancy as he's an expert at delivering babies, whereas the other gynae is expert in removing growths. It must be a very tough time for you, but as long as there's still hope, you have to keep going. All the best to you and your mum. :)

      Delete
    2. Unknown6 November 2014 at 21:20

      I see I see. Thanks for sharing! Do you mind sharing which doctor you went to check up for cysts and growths? Actually one of the tests mentioned that I have a cyst but the doctor says never mind.

      Delete
  6. asecondchance4 November 2014 at 02:09

    I chanced upon your blog and just want to say that I haven't been happy for a long time….or rather I have not been happy ever since I started this TTC journey. I wanna be happy again too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unknown4 November 2014 at 07:08

    Yes I shall not sugar coat it. it is a terrible F up journey. On good days, I will be more positive. I will think of all the good things I have. On bad days, I just think I am shit.

    ReplyDelete

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