Emo Emo Elmo
Today I woke up and felt so down because my stupid temperature is just not rising and it is already day 20 don't know what. My heart shook in disbelief as I grappled with the fact that this cycle - I have not even ovulated, let alone, ovulated late. Frustrated, tired, ridiculed, guilty, I decided to just sleep.
Part of me is reluctant to write this post because Google sent me some password to verify my address so that they can pay me - therefore, it means that people are reading what I write and they are clicking on the advertisements! When people are reading what I write, I suddenly feel a burden not to burden them. Yes, I know, that people will feel validated that they share the same frustration but part of me also do not want to a whiner all the time and write some inspiring stuff. But I still decided to be selfish and write because today, I feel so sad and I do not know why.
In order not to feel so down, I have to confront my devils. I shall go through why I feel this way.
Let's start from the beginning.
When I woke up in the morning, I realised my temperature is 36.4. Late ovulation discourages me because I have polycystic ovaries. I do not know what I have done wrong this cycle. I recollected what I have done. I know I was greedy. I went for buffets and ate lobsters, sashimi (only three slices), some cakes (flour is no good for pco) and ice cream. I only swam once and seldom exercised. Okay okay, next cycle, I will be a good girl. But sometimes I feel that life is so dull without my occasional indulgences. Why other people eat rubbish also can pop? Why other people lazy like shit also can pop?
Then instead of getting up from my bed and exercise and start the day right, I decided to rebel and sank deeper. I decided to just stay in bed. I read "Anti cancer" book passed to me by my colleague and it was a very engaging book that mainly inspires people to eat right. After some pages of vertical words, my eyes were tired and I fell into a slumber - a brief respite from my lack of endorphins condition. I woke up again, read again, fell asleep again. I woke up again and decided I should eat something. Instead of eating healthy food, I rebelled again and cooked some scrambled eggs and hash browns and some guo tie. I watched Masterchef Australia - my fav cooking show. After that, I went back to read and snooze in bed. My hub came back from work and snoozed together.
We woke up at 4pm and lazed in bed for another hour. I checked Facebook and oh my - what a mistake. So many blissful photos of their kids. Nowadays when I hear people shot gun, I would feel,"wow congratulations! Happy for u." I saw updates of this guy (which my friends thought was a dick) with his happy wife and three happy kids. Why dick head is so blissful now? Is it something that I have done in my previous life? Is it because of the sins I have committed?
Night fell. My body was sluggish and I felt so in need of a shot of endorphins. Otherwise, I knew I would sink deeper into this pathetic abyss. I needed to run to start my engines to ovulate. I announced to my hub that I wanted to take the dog for a run in the nearby park. Hub whined and whined and whined. I felt so pissed that he did not support my healthy decision. Then I sank deeper into thinking if we were suitable for each other. Is it because it was a mismatch, thus, heaven is withholding her fruits? Anyway, I managed to convince him to go. I ran ahead with the dog while he trudged slowly behind. I managed to work up a sweat and felt so much better.
After a good time of perspiration, I felt the gloom lifted a little. We ordered Macs delivery when we got back because there is a salad option from Mac. I ate half a hot fudge sundae because I wanted to eat something sweet. Cream and cold seriously do not marry well with fertility. While eating, we watched some TV show. The fertility book that I have been reading discourages eating and watching TV. It says that we should focus on eating only. But so shiok to watch TV and eat leh. We played the role of couch potatoes all the way til 130am.
La La La La Elmo Song. Elmo is so carefree and happy. May everyone be as happy and carefree as Elmo and not Emo.
Part of me is reluctant to write this post because Google sent me some password to verify my address so that they can pay me - therefore, it means that people are reading what I write and they are clicking on the advertisements! When people are reading what I write, I suddenly feel a burden not to burden them. Yes, I know, that people will feel validated that they share the same frustration but part of me also do not want to a whiner all the time and write some inspiring stuff. But I still decided to be selfish and write because today, I feel so sad and I do not know why.
In order not to feel so down, I have to confront my devils. I shall go through why I feel this way.
Let's start from the beginning.
When I woke up in the morning, I realised my temperature is 36.4. Late ovulation discourages me because I have polycystic ovaries. I do not know what I have done wrong this cycle. I recollected what I have done. I know I was greedy. I went for buffets and ate lobsters, sashimi (only three slices), some cakes (flour is no good for pco) and ice cream. I only swam once and seldom exercised. Okay okay, next cycle, I will be a good girl. But sometimes I feel that life is so dull without my occasional indulgences. Why other people eat rubbish also can pop? Why other people lazy like shit also can pop?
Then instead of getting up from my bed and exercise and start the day right, I decided to rebel and sank deeper. I decided to just stay in bed. I read "Anti cancer" book passed to me by my colleague and it was a very engaging book that mainly inspires people to eat right. After some pages of vertical words, my eyes were tired and I fell into a slumber - a brief respite from my lack of endorphins condition. I woke up again, read again, fell asleep again. I woke up again and decided I should eat something. Instead of eating healthy food, I rebelled again and cooked some scrambled eggs and hash browns and some guo tie. I watched Masterchef Australia - my fav cooking show. After that, I went back to read and snooze in bed. My hub came back from work and snoozed together.
We woke up at 4pm and lazed in bed for another hour. I checked Facebook and oh my - what a mistake. So many blissful photos of their kids. Nowadays when I hear people shot gun, I would feel,"wow congratulations! Happy for u." I saw updates of this guy (which my friends thought was a dick) with his happy wife and three happy kids. Why dick head is so blissful now? Is it something that I have done in my previous life? Is it because of the sins I have committed?
Night fell. My body was sluggish and I felt so in need of a shot of endorphins. Otherwise, I knew I would sink deeper into this pathetic abyss. I needed to run to start my engines to ovulate. I announced to my hub that I wanted to take the dog for a run in the nearby park. Hub whined and whined and whined. I felt so pissed that he did not support my healthy decision. Then I sank deeper into thinking if we were suitable for each other. Is it because it was a mismatch, thus, heaven is withholding her fruits? Anyway, I managed to convince him to go. I ran ahead with the dog while he trudged slowly behind. I managed to work up a sweat and felt so much better.
After a good time of perspiration, I felt the gloom lifted a little. We ordered Macs delivery when we got back because there is a salad option from Mac. I ate half a hot fudge sundae because I wanted to eat something sweet. Cream and cold seriously do not marry well with fertility. While eating, we watched some TV show. The fertility book that I have been reading discourages eating and watching TV. It says that we should focus on eating only. But so shiok to watch TV and eat leh. We played the role of couch potatoes all the way til 130am.
La La La La Elmo Song. Elmo is so carefree and happy. May everyone be as happy and carefree as Elmo and not Emo.
We have our down days and writing can relieve frustration. I am trying to eat healthily now but I find it so hard. There are so much temptation out there. I set a target to go on gluten free diet starting today. I wonder how long I can sustain. Ha
ReplyDeleteI decided to eat very healthily today too! I am also keeping my fingers crossed how far I can sustain hahahaha
ReplyDeleteFrom the usual anonymous person.
ReplyDeleteHey, I really like to read what you write... Sometimes it is because you wrote down all your frustrations and sorrows, that makes me feel you are real. So just heck care, ya. If you need to write, you write!
As for food.. yah... so meh, right. I was not sticking to some healthy diet either... Sigh... I am on CD 23, yet to see ovulation. Hopefully I will ovulate within these 1-2 days. :(
Hey, everyone will have their down days or days you just want to be lazy. I have been lazying for two months and not going to see TCM because of the long queues. And also lazy to track my ovulation period too. I have the same thought as you, how come people can just pop so easily when I have to keep tracking and eat healthy? Don't worry persistence will pay and you will get what you want soon.
ReplyDeleteFrom JS.
Yes the bible says faith is the substance of things not seen. Although we cannot see it now, we have to see it in the future.
ReplyDelete