Miscarriage - The guilt, the self blame, the shame

I was so fucked up. 

Although I was very early in my pregnancy, I was stunned by how much I felt for it. I felt sad for the loss. I pride myself for being an independent and strong willed woman and was surprised by the many strong emotions that I went through.

I went through a series of guilt questions. As I mentioned previously, I did not really take extra care of myself as I saw too many normal pregnancies around me. In fact, none of my friends had a miscarriage for no reason. I merely took supplements from Watson in the form of folic acid. I was so convinced in my bones that it was due to my carelessness that had led to my miscarriage.

Was it the durian that I ate the day before? I developed such a strong craving that I just had to have that durian. I went online to google and durians were supposed to be too heaty for women in their first trimester. Now seeing durian brings back sad memories.

Was it the tea that I still drink? I am a tea addict. I heard later that I was supposed to avoid all forms of caffeine especially in my first trimester. Now seeing tea means seeing poison. I have abstained from tea since then.

Was it the chicken liver that I ate? I found out on the Internet that pregnant ladies are not supposed to eat liver because it contained too much Vitamin A. Pregnant women are supposed to avoid consuming Vitamin A.

Was it because of carrying my beloved poodle? On the day of Dr Adrian Tan's visit, I lifted my poodle off the ground and carried him.  My poodle was around 6.5kg. Some old wives tales said that pregnant ladies should not lift anything. Now I still love him because he is too cute to be ignored.

I should have rested fully when I started spotting. I hated my husband for not being caring enough. I hated Dr Adrian for not asking me to rest.

 Was it the walking around in Nex that caused the bleeding to worsen?

Was it the stress that I faced from my work and resulted in a body unfit for pregnancy?

Was it the lack of nutrition?

Was it due to the fact that I did not check myself into a hospital the moment I spotted?

The guilt trap lasted for a while. The doctor mentioned that miscarriages are very common and usually due to chromosome problems with the sperm or egg which is random.

The strongest emotion was SHAME - I am a bad mother. I could not protect my child. 

 I decided that in order to make up for my mistakes, I should lead a new life. I was convinced that it was because of wrong choices that lead to the miscarriage. I was suddenly filled with hope and direction to lead a healthy lifestyle. I would try everything I could to prevent a second miscarriage.


Comments

  1. No Sunshine In August16 September 2014 at 20:26

    This entry was like reading the exact same thoughts and doubts I've had through my own experience. And continue to have now. The healing is hard, and it all feels so bleak sometimes.
    Your blog is lovely, I've read every entry. I'm sorry for your losses and your struggles, but know that you have given me a sense of strength and hope. You've helped the cloud of isolation I've been feeling lift a little. I'm blogging about my experience as well.
    Thank you for sharing your journey. I'll be checking back regularly for updates.
    <3 Angela

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown16 September 2014 at 21:11

    Hi Angela, I have come across blogs whereby they have six or seven miscarriages and yet they shouldered on and eventually have a kid. After countless fruitless conversations with real life people, I found solace online and that helped restore my Christian faith too.Although I have no good news to report yet, at least I don't feel so broken but the healing is hard and slow and leaves scars. I wish u well and take care.

    ReplyDelete

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