Recurrent chemical pregnancies! Somebody help!

I took the Chinese medicine faithfully and continued the bed rest. My mother told me that she was so fixated on my problem that her own problem was solved. She no longer had high blood pressure. I listened to Christian songs and prayed everyday.

I had fear of going to the toilet again. Whenever I peed or especially shit, there would be more blood. Sometimes I even needed to close my eyes while wiping because I would be so emotionally affected. My heart would cringe in pain literally. Physical Pain. I did not think that anyone would understand this fear unless you went through it yourself and I prayed to God that you would not go through what I was going through. Very scary place.

Finally the spotting stopped. I never had a real bleed. I took the pregnancy test kit and tested. It was very negative. Actually I expected it. Because I had been testing and the colour of the line was getting fainter. I had another worry. If I had not bled, the dead embryo would be still inside me. Would I be infected? Would it cause me to be permanently infertile?

People around you were very scared of miscarriage. It was a taboo topic that everyone wished to downplay. They always pretended that it didn't happen because they did not want you to be upset and wanted you to move on. 

I am telling you not to pretend!

Or they assume you are alright because you appear alright means you don't even want to be reminded of it...

I need flowers! I need cards! I need messages to encourage me. It won't won't won't won't open my wounds because such wounds don't even close! You don't need to ask me about details but you need to write nice notes to tell me to keep on walking this fucked up journey!

For my first and second miscarriage, people around me cared. I received gifts and flowers especially for the first time. For this third time, I only had silence and escapism as my only friends. The rest of the world moved on while I was stuck in a quick sand of sadness.