HCG Level has dropped
Once again, we waited for a long time for the blood test results. Once again, Dr LC Cheng didn't want to see me. His nurse, Catherine, wanted another nurse to tell me the results. When I told her that I needed to see the doctor for him to prescribe medication, she whispered that my beta HCG has dropped. Drop means an impending miscarriage.
All the more I wanted to see the doctor. As I did not have an appointment, I needed to wait. The wait was one in despair. I could not believe my ears when I was told that the levels had dropped. I had expected the level to increase. The worst would be similar to previous time - increase but not doubled. How could it drop? I had done so much! How could the embryo not grow?
At this moment, I really hated doing the beta HCG. What was the point when the doc was not even interested to see me after whatever results? It was not as if he would do something to save the failing pregnancy!
I also felt sad that we had to wait for FOUR FUCKING LONG HOURS since the blood test just to see him. Why couldn't they just quickly slot me in compassion since he had nothing much to tell me? It wouldn't take long. After waiting for four hours, I was so disappointed that the doc had to go for delivery!!! I waited for another two hours just to hear him deliver the bad news personally. In all, I waited for SIX FUCKING HOURS.
Dr Cheng said that my HCG level had dropped from 93 to 14! How could it be??? I felt so confident that we could make it. I could not believe all those times I was trying my best, the pregnancy was already slipping away. I felt like a stupid fool. I remembered my HCG was only 11 when I visited Dr Adrian Tan for my first pregnancy.
The doc said that my bleeding might start and he diagnosed that this pregnancy was a miscarriage. He said to return in two weeks time to take the blood test again to check that the levels were back to zero. He also did not prescribe any support medication. I asked him for any reasons. He told me that miscarriages are very common and that it is just pure bad luck for me. I told him that I wanted some tests to be done on my body but he was not supportive and said that those tests were a waste of time. When I asked him what the plans would be for me, he insinuated that it was my fault that I was supposed to take things easy and enjoy life for three months after my first miscarriage and then he would start clomid for me but then instead of relaxing, I went to see a TCM physician and ended up pregnant. Now, I had to wait another three more months before he would start me on clomid.
For the next two days, I went to see my TCM to do acupuncture and take herbs to save the pregnancy. I was praying for a miracle. Despite what the doctor told me, I was still holding onto hope that somehow, this would be a miracle baby. I thought it was a good sign that I had not started to bleed which I thought I should since the HCG results was so low. I even started to call up doctors to see who was willing to give me a booster shot of progesterone to save my pregnancy.
Another Dr Cheng, a gynae in Bishan, bothered to respond through his nurse. He told the nurse that with such HCG results, I needed to close the chapter on this pregnancy. No doctor would give me the shot at this point in time. The nurse told me that the doctor felt that something could be done to prevent this from happening and arranged an appointment to see me. He told the nurse to advise me to prepare for the next pregnancy.
Despite all the medical advice, I was still praying for a miracle. Alas, my heart sank when I wiped after peeing and saw pinkish tinge. I knew that this was a terrible sign. I stayed in bed hoping that the bleeding would not continue. Things did not turn out the way we wanted. I started bleeding heavily. Every trip to the toilet was a torture because there would be more blood every time I urinated or passed motion. I was so badly affected that I had to close my eyes while wiping. Every time I felt more blood gushed out, I felt some form of life had escaped from me. Death was near.
Finally after some days of bleeding, I felt something pop out of me when I urinated. It was similar to my previous miscarriage experience. I even entertained the thought of scooping it out to take a look. But it was such a bloody mess in the toilet bowl that I didn't. I pressed the flush button and truly felt the pregnancy flush out of my system. Goodbye, my child.
Even though my first two pregnancies were short lived and I knew that the embryos had not developed into babies, I still regarded them as my children. It was a strange feeling. I felt that my children were the lucky ones who leap straight into heaven escaping the sadness and depravity of the earth. I developed this thinking when I read the book "Heaven is real". It was a real life account of a boy who went to heaven briefly during his coma. He saw a little girl who looked very much like his real sister. When he told his mum about it, her mom was shocked as he had a miscarriage before. She was so comforted to hear that her miscarriage was a girl and she was happy in heaven. :)
All the more I wanted to see the doctor. As I did not have an appointment, I needed to wait. The wait was one in despair. I could not believe my ears when I was told that the levels had dropped. I had expected the level to increase. The worst would be similar to previous time - increase but not doubled. How could it drop? I had done so much! How could the embryo not grow?
At this moment, I really hated doing the beta HCG. What was the point when the doc was not even interested to see me after whatever results? It was not as if he would do something to save the failing pregnancy!
I also felt sad that we had to wait for FOUR FUCKING LONG HOURS since the blood test just to see him. Why couldn't they just quickly slot me in compassion since he had nothing much to tell me? It wouldn't take long. After waiting for four hours, I was so disappointed that the doc had to go for delivery!!! I waited for another two hours just to hear him deliver the bad news personally. In all, I waited for SIX FUCKING HOURS.
Dr Cheng said that my HCG level had dropped from 93 to 14! How could it be??? I felt so confident that we could make it. I could not believe all those times I was trying my best, the pregnancy was already slipping away. I felt like a stupid fool. I remembered my HCG was only 11 when I visited Dr Adrian Tan for my first pregnancy.
The doc said that my bleeding might start and he diagnosed that this pregnancy was a miscarriage. He said to return in two weeks time to take the blood test again to check that the levels were back to zero. He also did not prescribe any support medication. I asked him for any reasons. He told me that miscarriages are very common and that it is just pure bad luck for me. I told him that I wanted some tests to be done on my body but he was not supportive and said that those tests were a waste of time. When I asked him what the plans would be for me, he insinuated that it was my fault that I was supposed to take things easy and enjoy life for three months after my first miscarriage and then he would start clomid for me but then instead of relaxing, I went to see a TCM physician and ended up pregnant. Now, I had to wait another three more months before he would start me on clomid.
For the next two days, I went to see my TCM to do acupuncture and take herbs to save the pregnancy. I was praying for a miracle. Despite what the doctor told me, I was still holding onto hope that somehow, this would be a miracle baby. I thought it was a good sign that I had not started to bleed which I thought I should since the HCG results was so low. I even started to call up doctors to see who was willing to give me a booster shot of progesterone to save my pregnancy.
Another Dr Cheng, a gynae in Bishan, bothered to respond through his nurse. He told the nurse that with such HCG results, I needed to close the chapter on this pregnancy. No doctor would give me the shot at this point in time. The nurse told me that the doctor felt that something could be done to prevent this from happening and arranged an appointment to see me. He told the nurse to advise me to prepare for the next pregnancy.
Despite all the medical advice, I was still praying for a miracle. Alas, my heart sank when I wiped after peeing and saw pinkish tinge. I knew that this was a terrible sign. I stayed in bed hoping that the bleeding would not continue. Things did not turn out the way we wanted. I started bleeding heavily. Every trip to the toilet was a torture because there would be more blood every time I urinated or passed motion. I was so badly affected that I had to close my eyes while wiping. Every time I felt more blood gushed out, I felt some form of life had escaped from me. Death was near.
Finally after some days of bleeding, I felt something pop out of me when I urinated. It was similar to my previous miscarriage experience. I even entertained the thought of scooping it out to take a look. But it was such a bloody mess in the toilet bowl that I didn't. I pressed the flush button and truly felt the pregnancy flush out of my system. Goodbye, my child.
Even though my first two pregnancies were short lived and I knew that the embryos had not developed into babies, I still regarded them as my children. It was a strange feeling. I felt that my children were the lucky ones who leap straight into heaven escaping the sadness and depravity of the earth. I developed this thinking when I read the book "Heaven is real". It was a real life account of a boy who went to heaven briefly during his coma. He saw a little girl who looked very much like his real sister. When he told his mum about it, her mom was shocked as he had a miscarriage before. She was so comforted to hear that her miscarriage was a girl and she was happy in heaven. :)
I am quite upset that Dr Cheng didn't want to see you and not even suggest a support jab to help with the pregnancy. I only had a brief encounter with him and he seem quite nice at that time. Now I wonder if it is because you are not his patient and he behave this way. This is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I have never looked at it from this perspective before. Actually, I did think that my doctor hopping should change because the doctor does not feel ownership over me? But even so, the last doc who is Doc Mahesh, I might not stay with him either. Oh well ... Dec is here. I should be starting to go doctor hunting again.
ReplyDeleteFind a dr you are comfortable with and also one who can get an appointment easily when in need. A dr who can be contactable during emergency. Most impt I feel is better to choose a fertility dr instead of a normal gynae.
ReplyDelete