Life after recurrent miscarriages

I have all sort of advice thrown to me after my early miscarriages. I am blogging to share it so that if you also come across such advice, you will not feel as indignant as I have felt. For the advisers, it all depends what is your intention. If your intention is to simply state your opinion, then the mouth is yours and you can say all you want. If your intention is to say the truth that would hurt but you still want to say because you think she is your good friend, then by all means say the truth in your heart. If your intention is just to comfort that person and make her feel better during that precious moment, these are the 10 irritating comments that would not make her feel better.

1. The baby is the fruit of your natural intimacy...
Therefore, just concentrate on your intimacy and the baby will come in due time. This is the latest irritating comment that I have heard but I needed to suppress my irritation and smiled at the person who had just commented with all sincerity. This comment was also the catalyst for this post. Hello????? Two people came together and had a romp romp in the bed. Very intimate. One month, two month, twelve months, no news of any fruit. Then you might go for some test and voila, you discovered something was wrong. If you are sick in your body, no matter how you build your natural intimacy, there is no fruit unless God heals your body and performs a miracle.

Second, the more important reason why this comment is very insensitive is because you are trying to push the blame of infertility to the fact that there is something wrong with the SEX! You are trying to make the couple feel guilty, which would make things worse.

Third, Abraham and Sarah in the bible, I believe, would have make love countless times but Sarah's womb was just closed. There are no such verses that said that Abraham and Sarah had problems having sex.

2. What is wrong with just couplehood?
This was said to me many times by friends. There is nothing wrong with couplehood! When you have found someone you are happy with, naturally you want to start a family. What is wrong with wanting to have a child? Usually, the friends who ask these questions end up getting you to cast doubts on your marriage. Yes, it is true that sometimes infertility and all the quests to conceive a child can take the passion out of the sex. But let's look on the bright side, because of our "quest", we have sex very frequently and very intentional. Sometimes, I even managed to have orgasm. Isn't this better than normal couples who have no sex at all because they were too tired from work?

3. Why do you want to have children?
I have learnt from past experiences that no matter what your answer is, it is never good enough for the questioner. He or she only wants to convince you that having children is very troublesome and inconvenient. It will only increase your unhappiness. At the end of the conversation, you would not feel better and end up very exhausted from convincing each other your theories. They look at you as if you are an alien from outer space because you want to have kids and they don't feel like having. Infertility is different from you are fertile but yet you chose not to have kids. The former affects the self-esteem. The later is just plain idiotic.

4. You are still young
Whether you are 20 or 40, when you have lost your pregnancies, you will still feel sad. Some feel a tinge of sadness; others are drowned by grief. Knowing that you are still young does not change the fact that you have miscarried. You still have go through the process of grieving after a miscarriage.

5. Your pregnancy is still early .... 
as compared to my friend who lost her baby at 6 months so you should not feel so sad. This is one of the worst comments because here you are trying to get over your chemical pregnancy, someone comes along and drop a bombshell that it could have been worse! Suddenly, your future seems so bleak. You might lost your baby even after first trimester.

6. Your babies are in heaven
Someone told me that my babies would be in heaven and they are very happy up there. This was an image that caused me to sob every time I picture them in heaven. It will cause me to miss them so much and wonder why I was robbed the chance of touching and loving them. Do miscarried embryos go to heaven? I hope they are angels now.

7. You were just too stressed ... Take it easy
Don't think about it and your child will come! Yes, you just want to downplay the severity of the situation but this will instil guilt as it hints that the mother had failed to control her emotions in the past and therefore her actions such as stress had caused miscarriage. This comment also caused irritation because every wanabemum knows that it is important to take it easy as it would aid conception but this is easier said than done. I too, wanted to take it easy but I do not know how. Therefore, I have come up with stress management techniques to improve fertility in my previous post.

8. Why don't you adopt?
Friends who offer this suggestion usually will go on to explain the wondrous benefits of adoption. I have heard of two benefits. Benefit 1 - Some people who adopt went on to conceive healthy children. Benefit 2 - Some people are destined to adopt unwanted children therefore you are fulfilling your destiny. Adoption is a personal choice and there should not be any hidden agenda. Imagine the disappointment if you adopt with the intention of being able to have your own children but still not able to.

9. Don't feel sad. I have aborted once.
This will cause anger to arise in the poor wanabemum because here she is trying her best to carry a baby to term but another person has just shared that she has the ability but she has chosen to abandon the baby. Why would this make me feel better? Abortion is so cruel especially to someone who yearns to have a child of her own.

10. Not saying anything at all
Even if you have said all the insensitive comments from 1 to 9, the wanabemum knows that your intentions are good and you have at least TRIED. Not saying anything at all, not expressing any concern through your actions or pretending that everything is fine is the most insensitive. Usually people who fall into this category are afraid that they would say or do something to make you feel worse and prevent you from starting afresh so they say nothing to comfort you.

So if today you have a friend who is feeling sad, don't be afraid to show that you care.