Land of Lemons

I have been spotting for three days. The spotting gets worse. I have a feeling my period is coming. If my period comes tomorrow, this cycle would be a 26 day cycle. Not too bad since the ideal cycle is 28. We definitely did our homework in bed. That's what Dr Tan SB refers sexual intercourse to : 做功课. Yesterday I was hopping so much that it would be implantation bleeding and not period. I would check every now and then that the blood is still a brown tinge. I would check internet to assure myself that there is a high chance that it could be implantation bleeding. Sometimes, I would test for pregnancy and sulk even more when the test kit is negative. Today it worsened in the evening and I could feel my body deflating, together with my hopes. Whenever my period comes, it would be days loaded with bad emotions. After the first few days, I would be restored with hope and the whole cycle would continue. Disappointment.  All those nights of making love despite my husband's...

Despite my grief over my loss and helplessness over my dismaying tests results, I managed to pluck up whatever courage was left in me and looked for my fourth TCM Physician - Dr Tan Siew Buoy, someone that I found myself visiting for the longest period. I was pregnant for the third time in May. I started spotting and my pregnancy was failing around end of May but my first real bleed was only around the beginning of July because I had consumed too much oral progesterone. The sac had miraculously disappeared on its own when I went to visit Prof Mahesh to be scanned around June. The doctor said that my body had absorbed the sac! I visited Dr Tan Siew Buoy the same period I saw him. I was not looking for Dr Tan Siew Buoy. I did not even know who she was. The person I was searching for high and low was Dr Tan Siew Lan as my colleague was healed of her infertility through her when she prayed to God. She was supposed to go for a surgery for her fallopian tubes but she went to Thong Chai i...

I had mixed feelings before receiving the results. Part of me wanted to find out what was wrong so that I could treat it. Part of me hoped that there was nothing wrong so I just needed to be patient. Eventually I had hoped that they would find something that would be easily resolved for example a cyst that could easily be removed. It was bad news, worse than I had expected. HSG - Hysterosalpingogram -  HSG : revealed that I had possible uterine synechiae . Another name is Asherman syndrome or just womb scarring. Prof said that the only way to confirm it would be a laparoscopy which he would not be recommending because it was not worth the investigation. He suspected this was not the cause because people with such scarring, it was very difficult to get pregnant in the first place. Moreover I had not gone for DnC before. Transvaginal and Transabdominal Ultrasonography :  Ultra sound scans - polycystic ovaries    (not surprised since LC Cheng had already told ...

I was mentally prepared for the HSG test because I had read about it online. I checked with a colleague who had gone through the test and she told me that she only felt discomfort. The odd thing about having your tests done in NUH was the fact that you had to proceed to different departments to do different tests. If I had gone to any private clinic in Thomson Medical Centre, the gynae would be the one doing all the physical examinations.  For HSG, I needed to proceed to the Imaging Department which was in another part of NUH, away from the Women's Clinic. I loathed hospitals. The journey to the Imaging Department was very uncomfortable as I had to witness different types of patients being wheeled around in their beds. I read that there might be adverse reactions to HSG such as severe cramps or even passing out. Therefore, I asked my parents to accompany me. I located the Imaging Department easily as I had spent some effort in finding it prior to my appointment. I had but...

I plucked up whatever courage and strength I had left to call NUH. I explained my situation to the nurse on the other line. She informed me that Prof Mahesh Choolani only sees pregnancy losses on Thursday afternoon. It was quite easy to book an appointment.  Before I went to see Prof Mahesh, I researched online and had a rough idea what the investigation for repeated losses was about. When we arrived at NUH Women's clinic Emerald, the receptionist told us to wait outside his consultation room. There were many Indians and Caucasians waiting outside. We were the minority race. We waited for an hour and finally for to meet Prof Mahesh for the first time. He looked very kind and fatherly. I guessed he had handled pregnancy losses cases many times because he looked so sorry when he introduced himself. He also had good bedside manners. Some doctors just know how to let you know they are sincere. He shook our hands firmly and told us to go for the full spectrum of tests. I was rel...

I finally had to return to work after a long break. I realised that my bosses had not informed my colleagues that my pregnancy had failed because initially I had told them to keep my pregnancy to themselves. I discovered the boo boo when an ex colleague messaged me to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I told her it was gone and she told me the staff probably didn't know. That night before I returned to work, I wrote an email to all staff explaining my situation and also to ask for any solutions if they had heard of cases like mine. I had to come up with a purpose for emailing them.  The next day, only one colleague who had not checked mail, congratulated me. I explained to her and I felt so sorry for her for looking so sorry.  Some colleagues were very nice. They shared with me stories and also recommended some TCM physicians. One colleague even bought a double boiled pot for me and left it on my table. I was pleasantly surprised and touched because my colleagues tr...

I was in grief. My church friends didn't know about my third failed pregnancy. I did not tell them because I was so stressed by my carecell leader for my second pregnancy. She kept challenging my faith and insinuated that if I had enough faith, my baby would be safe. I needed to trust in God that He would protect my child. I was very affected by what she said because I blamed myself for my lack of faith that had led to God not protecting my second pregnancy. Therefore for my third one, I decided to keep it from my carecell members. After all, after my second miscarriage, they pretended that nothing had happened. Not even a single card sent. I was really disappointed with my so called carecell members. My carecell leader only offered me church counseling when I rejected her request to lead bible study. I told her I was still getting over my loss. They must be reeling from shock that yes - God sometimes do not answer your prayers at that moment. After my experience, I realised ...