Land of Lemons

It has been 9 months after MTPT and around 8 months since I decided to start afresh. When u realize that all that u do is futile, u learn the meaning of surrender. Surrender doesn't mean I surrender to something terrible like depression. Surrender just means loving myself more and choosing what I like to do and eat instead of choosing what I like to do and eat simply because it will boost my fertility chances. Surrender also means acknowledging that Abba Father, Lord, Heavenly Father, Allah is truly the maker of life if He is willing. Recently, I read the Quran and started to pray addressing the maker of life as Allah. I am thankful that  He answered my prayers and performed  miracles. That being said, this post is not supposed to be a religious post but more to share how I have been.  What I am no longer ... I am no longer emotionally attached to my losses. I used to miss my unborn fertilized eggs and would tear but now I don't. I am not heartless. I am more detached and view

I received an email from a Lady A. She thanked me for sharing my thoughts online because she could identify with some of the things I have written. So... I decided to write a post after a short respite.  Currently, I am not pregnant. I am under the care of Prof Biswas. Yes, I know he is not a fertility specialist. Yes I know he is a high risk specialist but u know what, I am just ffffing tired of looking for this doctor and that. We have been told by him that he doesn't really believe in my previous medical reports so he thinks we should try naturally for 4 months. My next appointment is in Jan 2016. Ever since my awful termination, I had two beautiful cycles and after going for a root canal which stressed the hell out of me, my reproductive system decided to take a break and my cycles went haywire. 45 days and 48 days. Disgustingly long. No wonder I am not pregnant.  But I am still married. Recently, my single friends like to ask if I am happily married. Married people, do u get t

Finally, I have the inspiration to blog. I once told you that it is seldom good news when I blog because the weight in my heart is usually the driving force behind my writing. This entry is neither good nor bad, just something strange that has happened to me recently. A friend commented to me that the worries that I articulated usually came through and he said that there is a saying among his people that people like me has a salty mouth. At that moment, I thought the hokkien word "suay mouth" floated into my brains. So all along, this friend has a tendency to stop me from saying "what if...". He will say, "don't say.." So I decided to ask him what I should do. He stopped eating and pondered for a while before speaking, "Then you should say aloud ONLY positive things." I said okay and we started practising saying positive things aloud. For example, if my heart is worried that I cannot finish my work on time because of all the constraints

Mark Zuckerberg shared a short update on his Facebook regarding his struggles to have a baby. Wishing him and his wife all the best and to a smooth delivery! https://www.facebook.com/zuck?fref=ts

It has been a month since I last post. The reason was - I have been EXPOSED! Remember how I blogged about not wanting people to know my identify cos that would affect my writing? Well, recently, I caught up with a friend whom I have not met for ages. She asked me point blank, "Do you happen to be writing a blog?" because the happenings in my life mirrored the blog she has come across. I have two options. Option 1 - Lie Option 2 - Admit. I chose Option 1 in 3 seconds. 3 seconds seemed like an eternity then cos I was very reluctant to come clean but she shared so much and so freely with me about what she is going through. How can I repay her transparency with Option 1? Sigh. When we parted, I made a feeble attempt and asked her to keep it to herself the identity of the blogger of this blog. It bothered me. And I realised why. I blogged in the first place because I knew that very few Singaporeans blog about pregnancy losses. Mostly private ones. I wanted to let people ou

It all started with me reading "The Brightest Star in the Sky" by Marian Keyes. The baby spirit was in a block of apartments choosing which couple it wants to be its parents. It observes the vibrations from their heart and the love they feel for each other. Curious, I went to research on baby spirit and heart vibrations. It turned out that this stemmed from psychics' readings about soul lessons and babies choosing their parents to fulfil some life lessons. This is one way to explain a verse in the bible in which God said that He knew us before we were even formed in the wombs. After reading about heart vibrations, I felt like I was jolted awake from a long nightmare - the past few years of TTC seemed like a horrifying nightmare. I think I have finally reached my saturation point - don't think I want to try anymore. The thought of being pregnant, labour and days of taking care of a child suddenly seemed very undesirable. So why would I suddenly think this way? The