Land of Lemons

Before I start blogging, I want to warn you that this post is a little spooky so if you do not want to be spooked, please do not read further. . . . . . . . . . . If you have read my earlier post, my colleague's wife has suffered a second miscarriage. He was finding a chance to share with me his spooky encounter but he was afraid how I would feel but he finally plucked up his courage yesterday. His Story ... Let's call him Dan. Dan's sister-in-law got them a "fo pai" (direct translation is buddha pendant) from Thailand. They were wearing it when they entered a hair salon. There was a hairdresser who looked like a Lao Beng. He asked him if he was wearing a fo pai because he could sense it. At this junction, we still can rationalise and say that he has seen the string sticking out from the collar and could guess it could be a buddha pendant. My colleague nodded his head. Lao Being went on and asked if his wife miscarried recently when she entered the ...

I am blogging this to share with readers who want to know the actual procedure in greater detail. Reported to NUH Fetal Care centre and waited for Prof to arrive Battled with fear. I read about it online. I chatted with a friend. I knew there would be no excruciating pain but I was very scared. I could not even trace where the fear came from. Finally my turn. Butterflies in stomach. It was the same sonographer. I made sure I addressed her loudly,"Hello, DOCTOR!" I thought I saw a smile creep into her face. Sonographer did a scan and NT was the same but baby has grown by a day. Cystic hygroma still stuck to the neck Another nurse arrived. Both of them prepared me for the CVS like informing me that my hands have to be placed above my head and briefly the procedure.  Prof arrived with another female doctor.  Prof did a scan to locate the placenta.  The mood was like a market because the medical staff were talking and Prof was in a rush because he had quite a fe...

There is nothing much to blog about this day because the next two days would be the days that would shake my faith. We found a secluded corner to sit and waited. My name was called and a sonographer guided us into the scanning room. I mustered all my faith and wished for all these nonsense to stop. I visualised with all my might that the baby's NT was normal and the oedema was gone. Please tell us that our baby is fine. Please ... The sonographer would excel in one game - Poker. She had such a poker face when she was scanning. She was cold and clinical. We could see the monitors clearly and I was so amazed with NUH scanners. They were definitely clearer. I could see clearly that the baby had a hump like looking thing on his neck and bouncing around. I knew something was wrong but I never expect this ... Never ever ... Because we could see what the sonographer was doing, she typed 7.7mm under NT. My heart went cold. Instead of NT becoming smaller, it jumped to 7.7mm. ...

I blog because the grief is overwhelming me and the random flashbacks can kill. My blog is like a confessional box, absorbing every thought that haunts me. Instead of having random flashbacks, I shall walk through that day again and confront it. Once I have let everything out, I always feel I could start afresh. I procrastinated writing this post because this was the day that drew the line between heaven and hell, dreams and nightmares, bliss and pain. I was not sure if I was ready to write this post. Tonight I knew I had to write it because I could not sleep again. After two weeks since my surgical procedure to remove the remains of my placenta, I thought I was feeling better but there I am, tears streaming down my face while I am trying to sleep and not really thinking about IT. There were times I did suspect if I was slipping into depression but I could eat well. ... ... "Oh gosh, have you read the pamphlets that Dr Fong has given us? Do you know that there are tests that c...

Every Saturday marked the weekly birthday of the living bun in my womb. Today marked his 10th week birthday since the suspected date of conception - the wonderful miracle of life that has eluded our union more than five years ago.  By now, we have confidently felt that baby is a he, his, him instead of a she, hers, her since my so called supernatural encounters. It was 7.30am and I was wide awake not by the sunlight that was streaming into the master bedroom, but by the nagging thought that I should see a gynae as soon as possible. My initial calm for the past few weeks even in the face of spotting, was rocked by the news that my sis-in-law's 9 week old has no heartbeat and yet, she had not felt any spotting or cramping - no signs of baby's passing at all. I could not comprehend why a tiny bean could grow into a small wormy creature that resembles a tiny human form if you allow your imagination to take flight, but, yet, the heart has stopped beating without any hint. That mea...

The most anxious period for me would be Week 4 to 6 because things usually go downhill during this period. I always spot during Week 6 and thereafter, suffered miscarriages. Based on my past experiences, I always blamed myself for being too careless (carried my dog for my first preg, too stressed during my second preg, stand too long and too much movements during my third preg). THIS TIME, WE WERE DETERMINED TO PROTECT MY BABY! The assurance in Week 4 from my TCM Physician that she could sense the pregnancy pulse was really an excellent shot of confidence for me. I limit myself to only one activity a day. Mon to Fri, if I have to work, I have already fulfilled my quota of one activity. After work, I suffered from EXTREME FATIGUE. This fatigue would follow me till around Week 12. When I knocked off, I was so tired that I did not even have the energy to bathe. I changed into my home clothes and slept for two hours. Recharged, I would bathe and eat dinner AT HOME. I also suffered from...

8am OMG ... It has been three weeks plus since my MTPT. The bleeding has reduced to spotting. Yesterday night I bled so much all of a sudden that the whole pad was soaked, staining the undies, sheets, protector and mattress! When I woke up to pee, the toilet bowl was a bloody mess. I coughed and out came a huge blood clot the side of a kiwi. I felt so dizzy that I had to lie down. Now I am thinking what I should do. Should I go A&E or wait for my scheduled appointment with Prof Biswas in the afternoon? 3pm After my bloody show, I decided to observe. If I continued to bleed or have cramps, I will go to A&E. But thankfully, the bleeding subsided so I decided to wait for my appointment with Prof Biswas. I told Prof what happened and he was interested to see how my clot and pad looked like. When he knew I had taken a photo, he said,"show me show me..." After that, he told the nurse that he would have to scan me. We proceeded to another room for the scanning. Initially...