Land of Lemons

Nothing special, just can't sleep and fantasying all sorts of scenarios that would take me away from my current situation. Why the fish I just can't be zen and feel contented? I am listening to Jay Chou sappy emo songs and drowning myself in his murmuring sorrowful melody. Why the fish I allow this single desire to dominate my life? After I have returned to work, I told myself I would not do that and I really managed to do it! I looked forward to work and focus on helping others. And yet after one round, I still find myself back to where I was - a place where I have to do so much self comforting to manage. Jay chou songs are bad. They transport you to the past and makes you think what would have happened if I had been with so and so and so and so... My ex was not keen on kids. That was one of the reasons why we broke off. One of only.. cos he has his own serious issues and I have my own issues. Although the pressure would be off since he is not keen, I don't think I would...

I arrived at Kang De Mei around lunch time. To my surprise, it was not very crowded. We went for our lunch at Chew Ji Soya Chicken eatery. After lunch and some waiting, it was our turn! I have been having this fantasy of breaking her good news for the past one and a half years. Today, it was the day! Saturday cases were very long. I entered the room, greeted her and gingerly showed her my BBT chart. She said, "Looking at your happy face, you have good news to share with me is it?" "Yes! I just tested positive this morning!" I replied. Physician TSB looked so satisfied with herself and said, "Wow, this is natural conception, good good." She took out an old exercise book and began to calculate my due date and gave a number to my baby and said this was the number don't know how many thousand babies. She wrote some details down on her jotter book. I told her I was worried about this pregnancy because like the rest of the pregnancies, this was con...

It was Saturday. The sun was shining into my bedroom and rousing me from my sleep. Ah... why did I choose a master bedroom that has morning sun? The first thing I did was not to pee but to reach for my mercury old school thermometer and took my temperature. No... I was not having a fever. I was just taking my BBT to track my ovulation. "What? How could this be? Still 37.2 degrees?" I thought to myself. Puzzled, I recalled that today should be 15 days after my ovulation. My temperature should have dropped to below 37 to welcome my impending period but it was still very high. Don't tell me I am ... Two weeks ago ... I still have not ovulated. It was already Day 20ish. Sigh. It must have been the stress over my mom's surgery and cancer treatment that has messed up my cycle. Lying on the sofa, I started to have funny fantasies. I shall spring a surprise on my husband. And which I did and we did IT. I regretted because I was afraid I would be pregnant because I had...

When I found out that I had to go through a Mid Term Pregnancy Termination (MTPT) instead of a DnC, I was so down that I burst out crying in front of Prof Biswas because I thought there was no way I could be conscious and yet deliver my 13 week baby girl. After we have gotten home, I went home to ask Google for anyone who could give me an actual description of the process but I could not find any. All of the accounts are of emotions of guilt and depression. The other clinical articles are too brief. I have a close friend who unfortunately, has gone through this process, has shared with me and prepared me. So, I have decided to post an entry while the process is still fresh in my mind. ... ... As my gynae is now Prof Biswas, the MTPT would be done in NUH. We chose A1 ward because I wanted to ensure that I wanted privacy as the whole process would be carried out in the ward room. For those who want to opt for B1, they do have a special single bedded for B1 but it depends on availabilit...

It is with much sadness that I am writing this post. I have not been posting for three months because I was pregnant. I have been looking forward to yesterday because I would have been 13 weeks - the end of first trimester for the very first time and I could not wait to share with you my joy. Never did I expect that my joy has once again dissipated into something that I do not even know how to describe. During my 12 week scan last week, the gynae (Dr Fong Chuan Wee recommended by Physician Tan Siew Buoy) found anomalies on the baby's neck, chest and abdomen on Monday. He referred us to Prof Biswas to do a second scanning. He whatspped Prof and managed to arrange a scan the next day. The scan showed that the baby's NT (Neck Translucency) was 7.7mm. This is a strong indicator that the baby could have abnormal chromosomes. The normal range was usually below 2.5mm. The baby's chest and abdomen also have skin oedema (abnormal collection of fluid) which is an indicator of major...